So long story short
I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.
Long story:
I guess I believed that I didn’t have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people
I haven’t had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger’s but again no formal diagnosis.
I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so…persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.
I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am “broken”
But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being “paralysed” by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.
I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people’s bs to a reasonable degree.
I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a “second inner self” that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective “energy” too
My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right “persona” to put on for the right “performance”
I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.
I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections
I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how “heavily burdened” my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to “fit in”
I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.
might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal
It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don’t really want to die
I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don’t engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable
Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end
I mean only one side of the family is the benefactor, but they are too far away to offer more support than trying to keep the things above water.
But I do get the point, even if they are far apart they still put some effort to help and I should see that as a positive that they are offering said support, regardless of how small it is.
That doesn’t discredit your experiences, it just I think a part of me has given up as it feels like the more progress i make the more pain and trauma i seem to attract.
Being silent in my mind is torturous as there is a lot of these many small and deeply intertwined emotions and traumas and I am surrounded by and living in. The “voices” are so persistent that even if I calm them that unless I get to understanding and healing them, it is just too much to process. I can force it for a time, but that is like tying a knot in a hose with running water.
It is bad because the moments I feel better about myself, I end up doing something that destroys all the progress. It feels like I am sabotaging myself everyime I think I am ready but reality finds a way to drag me back down.
It is hard to get away when I cannot, to do so requires that which I feel incapable of grasping as it keeps falling through my fingers from my skills that feel inadequate.
I try and fail and it is on repeat and this really drains me because I wish I had someone around to just get through to me when I falter to keep me going forward. Like someone to help me break through that wall I keep getting stuck at because every time I hit it I can’t break through clearly and I start at square 1 again.
It feels too hard for me to maintain on my own as I cannot trust myself to make the right choice, especially when I process and see where the wrong choices were taken.
Sensitive people are vulnerable to trauma, that often goes with the neurodivergent territory. We have sensory issues that overwhelm us, noise, mood, physical environment. We also take longer to come to maturity and that is interpreted as a failing by ignorant people. What we actually require is space and compassion while we develop the skills to manage out in the world. There are many scientists, engineers, musicians and artists who are neurodivergent and were probably considered ‘weird’ as kids but went on to create great works of art or solve intractable problems in science. You cannot do this without being sensitive to very small details. What we have is precious but misunderstood and fragile. Some people are lucky and end up in a nurturing environment, others have to fight more to get their due. Some fall in that fight, as evidenced by the abnormal representation of neurodivergent men in prison. Our life outcomes are inferior on average and that is the real crime. My life outcomes would be way worse if not for a few instrumental characters who showed me a different way. I’m determined my daughter doesn’t go through the same things I did. If she tells me that she cannot summon the motivation to do homework I tell her I’m proud that she tried. If she’s late and disorganised we laugh about it. That is what I needed as a child. Now I’m compelled to accept that these people were ignorant and I shouldn’t condemn them. To that I say fuck no. Ignorance has never been a legitimate legal defence so why do I need to give a fuck about their plight?
Your daugther is very lucky to have you, to show care and support and try and build her up to be able to handle the harsh world.
I want to change, I really do and it feels so hopeless to keep trying and being knocked down time and again, it feels like it would be easier to just end it and then everything would stop.
This is like a thing in general that I am tired of struggling alone and not being able to find “instrumental characters” to show me a different path. Every path I have tried to take leads me to failure and those failures somehow get bigger and more painful as I struggle to move forward which ends up just making things worse because of my poor emotional upbringing cascading with the results of having that compound with trying, but then realising it was not enough and thinking it will never be enough.
I am carrying all this with me, all these things with me and it is ruining my life and robbing me of being a better person.
It is decades of unresolved and untreated misalignments sparking off and making things worse. The myriad intertangled and almost “cancer-like” buildup of things that is a overwhelming burden of carrying something no one knows what it is and feeling “like what is wrong with me, why can’t I just do this thing” and I must just carry this burden on my own, I am expected to be this “pillar of strength” when it feels like my strength is spent and I am tired of trying and consistently failing.