My friend, I don’t think anyone makes it through childhood unscathed. However, you’re ahead of the curve, because you at least recognize the dysfunction you had to deal with. I’m 60, and about 5 years ago my entire life imploded, which opened my eyes to my own dysfunction. See, it turns out that both of my parents are on the narcissism spectrum, and as a consequence I grew up in a physically and psychologically abusive environment. Oddly, I’m actually grateful for the physical abuse, as without it I may not have ever come to recognize the psychological abuse, which did far more harm. Like a fish that grows up in a polluted lake, growing up in an abusive environment is difficult to see, because it is your “normal” and all you’ve ever known. In my case, my parents modeled unhealthy relationship behaviors, and gave their kids lots of emotional invalidation, which causes you to doubt your intuitions and feelings. As a consequence, it effectively grooms you for further abuse by others, as you let shitty people into your life that continue to treat you poorly. Long story short, I spent over 20 years married to someone who saw me as an object, a resource. Things came unglued when I discovered that my life insurance had been doubled to $2M without my knowledge or consent, my wife was pushing me to add more life insurance, and also to redo our wills and estate planning. At the time, I was under massive amounts of stress, so much so that it gave me complex PTSD. I would physically startle if someone just entered the room. I believe I was being covertly drugged, and as I began to unravel and extricate myself from the situation, I was subjected to a mobbing campaign calculated to drive me to suicide. Suffice it to say, it took me a long time to sort out what had happened and why, and what I needed to do before I could let other people into my life.

Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like you have significant attachment trauma (I certainly did), and if I had to hazard a guess, it sounds like you might have a fearful avoidant attachment style, but that is for you to figure out. Again, by my standards, you’re way ahead of the game for seeing this already.

As far as other people finding out your about your family, don’t sweat it. Crazy family issues are far more common than people realize, and anyone who would judge you for something beyond your control isn’t someone worth engaging with. I recently met a really nice woman. She’s a doctor and well educated. She’s in her mid-30s and also struggling with issues from her childhood that handicap her social functioning. These issues know no social or economic boundaries. You’re not dysfunctional, you just have some feelings that are artifacts of the environment you grew up in that no longer serve you. Recognizing the problem, understanding how you are impacted, and gently reminding yourself that you’re just like everyone else when you start to feel insecure will help you start to get a handle on it. A lot of people also find therapy to be helpful in these situations.