I’ve had a bit of a rough go with it in terms of being raised in a bad environment, not properly socialised properly early in life, and to top it off my partner of 7 years just ended things because of some pretty nasty issues between us that I felt were perfectly fixable.
Everything as it is, I’ve started having issues with feelings of being disposable. Like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing and I can’t expect people to stick around, like they’re waiting for a reason to abandon me.
On a logical level that doesn’t hold much water, but at this point I’m starting to wonder how to fight these feelings if they come from very factual places. How can I justify the thought that I inheritly have worth, if the reality of the situation is that I keep being treated like garbage.
I’m doing all the right stuff, seeing a psych, prioritising recover, actually have a pretty decent inner voice going, but the feelings are still really strong and it’s hard to fight them. I’m not really sure how to handle this.
I’m coming at this from a totally different angle, and I’m not asking you to be the same kind of someone as I am, I’m only giving you this for sake of giving you a greater-scope map, so you can better-decide where you want to go, ok?
WHEN one has no honest-acceptance in any others, THEN … there are several directions one can try to go…
( there is a fundamental-principle that alone isn’t inherently lonely … that is actually just social-conditioning, including all the love-songs, all the stories, movies, advertising, etc.
Few people break the programming, however… )
Another point is that co-dependency is what’s normal, nowadays, but Stephen R. Covey ( 1st, not 2nd or 3rd: apparently they proliferate, when you aren’t watching 'em : ) spoke on interdependency…
I’m not sure if he understood just how independent people have to become, in order to be independently collaborating in inter-dependency…
but it’s turned-out to be real & significant.
People who’re codependent … simply aren’t standing on their own, collaborating autonomously, independently, as capable individuals…
& society’s wired to push codependency, because dependent-populations are more manipulatable, & therefore more easy-prey, if you see…
People who are self-determining … are much tougher to feed-on, for economic-parasites, ideological-parasites, or “pushers” of other kinds…
While nice in theory, that doesn’t help anyone understand how to earn such a transformation, right?
Simple: exactly as the root-guru of the Christians told us, face into karma … essentially, getting-addicted to growing-up!
He phrased it “take up your cross”, but the meaning’s clear.
( what a soul sows, that soul reaps: karma. there’s no escaping his meaning, once one understands that frame-of-reference )
So, what facing-into-karma would work-on-perfecting your greater-meaning?
I’m not asking you to tell me, any reader, I’m asking you to dig, & dig, & dig, until YOU understand what your greater-meaning is…
& once you’ve identified it, then make it ( if you want to ) your mission to get addicted to grinding-through your unconscious-ignorances, getting addicted to the realizations, to the growing-up process, & to the greater-freedom-of-self that that-process earns.
Here’s an orthogonal tip:
What makes a good partner for someone?
Some want a doormat, so their ego can feel “big”.
Boring.
Some want to be pushed by a domineer, until they reach something deep in themselves, that they can’t reach any other way…
Dig this, though:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus
See how what one wants in a partner changes, as one grows-up?
The final condition in that is wanting someone to be collaborating-with, while earning OUR way into realizing-our-souls, together…
A partner, not a use/having relationship.
Can you understand that if someone I treasure hates/despises me because of misunderstanding, or because of harm in them, or because of how wrong I’ve been, or ANY reason, that it’s fine?
So long as they’re being true to themselves, then they’re progressing, & their-progressing makes me happy.
If circumstance ever grants that they value me, fine. If not, that’s fine too.
They aren’t mine.
NO-one is “mine”, except me, see?
Independence, having broken the belonging-drug’s geas, can feel incredible.
& simply treasuring someone, regardless of where they are, or what they feel about one, wishing them well, wishing LivingSpirit to be taking-care-of-them…
it’s good for one, see?
Not as good as absolute-altruism, but I’m not there yet, & that’s fine…
So, all of this is simply to provide you with a greater “map” of the available territory, which the social-programming-management-process won’t ever tell anybody about…
& if you do a good mind-map of your current condition, & a good mind-map of what you want you to become, & you do a good here-to-there-transformations diagram, identifying what steps are required in each dimension, then you can progress more easily…
I’m recommending a very-few utterly-glorious books, for liberating your life from unconscious-dysfunction-habits that we were all programmed into:
Logan, King, & Dr. Fischer-Wright’s book “Tribal Leadership”, on the 5 culture-process levels ( street-gang/mass-shooter is 1, “LIVING IS SELF-INHERENTLY AWESOME” is 5, btw: 2 is the default )…
I’d require all highschoolers to read that, so as to OWN their own live-quality more, & not be so helpless in the social-processing-machine…
Kegan & Lahey’s book “Immunity to Change” which is on the mechanism our unconscious-mind has in it to fight off growing-up ( hence the title ), so as to protect dysfunction … & how to simply get past that dysfunction-protection-racket that we’ve got in us…
Schneider’s book “Lead Right for Your Company’s TYPE” I also recommend, because we’re all applying the wrong processes onto the projects/works that we’re trying to get done, by default, & THAT is obliterating our life-opportunities from our world!
Schneider puts it upside-down ( most authors who have profound-insights do 1 or more things dumb/wrong, in their books… I hope I outgrow that, but … bleah, on that unconscious-mind habit of making-mistakes! it’s quite noticeable in my writing ), putting the pie-in-the-sky Potential on the bottom, & putting the concrete Actuality on the top, of the 2x2 Matrix, but uprighted it’s brilliant what he gave us:
Notice that in an industrial-accident, in a factory, then suddenly we’d be in ALL OTHER quadrants, except Quadrant-4:
( I’m thinking of that video I saw of a German steel-mill, with a giant noodle of brightly-glowing steel filling the plant, setting fire to anything it could, filling the place FAST, as the ur-example of “industrial accident”, for this example )
Why would knowing which frames-of-reference are valid for each of those quadrants affect one’s ability to have quality-relationship?
The more-completely one’s work takes care of itself, because one is now solving the right problem ( wisdom: solving the problem quickly is intelligence, but solving the right problem is wisdom, see? ) makes work more effortless, & that makes more of one’s effort be available for relationship!
I don’t understand why people don’t understand that principle better…
Right infrastructure reduces wasted-effort for all who are affected by that infrastructure ( I’m including software, legislation, public-works, community-harmony, everything we live among, rely-on, work-with, etc, as infrastructure ).
So, here’s the links to those 3 books, in case you, or any reader, want to earn greater freedom-of-your-life from frustrations:
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/tribal-leadership-revised-edition
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/immunity-to-change-1
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/lead-right-for-your-company-s-type-1
& no, I’m not an “affiliate” of any book-company, any for-profit operation, & my not-for-profit hasn’t been started yet ( been working on understanding it for decades ), so all this is just-me recommending stuff.
Good books multiply one’s capability!
Oh, that too!
Please also read John Truby’s book “The Anatomy of Genre”, to understand how we program our unconscious-minds with the 14 genres, which genre works-on which dimension-of-our-unconscious-mind, so maybe you can progress quicker in earning YOUR essence & meaning…
https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/the-anatomy-of-genres
He makes 2 ( plus? ) noticeable mistakes in his book, but he’s of US culture, so … those are kinda expected:
He grew-up with westerns, so … that pushed him into wrong-framing…
I’d never have clued-in to the truth, but Hofstadter’s GEB identified this back in the last century.
Being walked around in a circle… but now one’s upside-down for some reason??
THAT is the “shape” of humor.
Surprisingly-violated-expectations!
Aside from those 2 botches, that book of Truby’s is massive psychology advantage for anyone wanting to understand what their own unconscious-mind’s working-on, what others are working-on, what one’s culture considers meaningful, etc…
So, anyone who wants to dig-in, enjoy!
All paths are valid, just some are more-efficient, others more-effective, etc.
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