I’m writing a book and the main character narrates, what names can i give to their character flaws and is it a good driver for the story?: gurdas just made a joke, everyone else is laughing, i should laugh, nothing, i just sat there. They all go quiet and look at me like I’m mad at one of them, I’m not, but I have a resting shitface. I ask “what?” in a tone that says I wasn’t listening, nobody bothers to explain but apparently I killed the conversation because everyone stops talking and goes back to their phones. I should stay quiet, but I’m bored. “What do you guys have next period?” they ignore me “okay” i get up from my chair and try to make it look like im wandering around aimlessly. But im watching her, she’s laughing, someone must have said something funny. She looks in my direction and I immediately turn the other way and start walking. I’m trying to make it seem that I’m some kind of lonely depressed quiet kid who’s worthy of her pity. I know it won’t work, but it’s a habit I can’t seem to shake. I’m thinking it might be worth going back to gurdas and everyone else for a few minutes but the bell rings before I make it and they’re all gone by the time I get to the table. Now I can pretend I’m the loser protagonist who can’t make a friend and I sit down so I can properly look all sullen and hard done by. I stay there even though I’ll be late for class for another ten minutes, not moving, not making a sound. When I was younger I used to try to get pity points by telling people I didn’t really have any friends, but when I started telling that to my actual friends they must have felt undervalued because I actually started not having friends. I caught on at some point and shifted to trying to be the social butterfly who knew everyone. That didn’t work out mostly because I didn’t have the courage to walk up to people and introduce myself. Or maybe i did, im not sure because right at the start of grade ten i did that exact thing and made a ton of new friends, it still didn’t work out because at some point I couldn’t remember who I knew, so I would end up introducing myself three times to the same person acting like i didn’t know them because they actually blended in with everyone else. I think i might be sexist or something similar, not because i hate girls or women, but because with every girl i meet i go through a phase where i think i have a shot, and i develop almost an obsession which never goes away, but i have to suppress each one so i don’t do something stupid. If I’m being honest I’ve never had a shot with anyone. I think it’s because of my acne and the way I style myself, which is specifically different from everyone else. Or maybe I’m actually just an asshole, I’m still trying to figure it out. I have one crush or obsession or whatever that I’ve had since grade seven, so for about four years, I know I don’t have a chance, and I know she probably hates me, or at least if we somehow ended up alone in a room together she would leave without looking at me as fast as possible. I don’t think I come across as a pleasant person, I used to think it was because I talked too much, but when I don’t talk at all nobody bothers to start a conversation with me, maybe it’s because im ugly. I get up again and walk to class, I don’t talk to anybody in mechanics except for alistar. After mechanics I walk to science. I hate science because I’m afraid of Mr.Taylor. I think he hates me because I have bad grades, and I have bad grades because I’m too afraid to ask questions that might sound dumb. And my questions would sound dumb because of how behind I am. One time in science we had independent study time and I thought I could get better grades if Mr Taylor was worried about me, so I scratched a scab on my arm until it bled, and I kept scratching until my skin was raw and split open. Mr Taylor didn’t notice and I cleaned up the blood. The next day I tried the same thing on Keira who sits next to me in math because I wanted her to be worried about me so she might like me. Our substitute teacher noticed first and asked me if I needed to take a walk, I said I was fine. Keira noticed, but so did Lena who sits on Keira’s right side. They both asked if I was okay and I said I was fine. Then Lena ruined it by showing us a scar on her left wrist saying she did the same thing because she actually has real problems that she doesn’t fake, or create for attention. I’m thinking about this as I walk into science and I wonder if I’m depressed because technically I’ve done self harm. I dismiss the thought because I’m fine and try to pay attention, Mr Taylor teaches too fast and I only understand a tenth of what he’s saying. We all get a worksheet and I don’t even understand the questions. So for the last ten minutes of class I just sit there. The lunch bell rings and I leave without making a noise. I go to the cafeteria because I used to spend all of my lunch with keiran, simon, filip, and micah. I get there and have a short conversation with each of them, then things go quiet. I ask Simon for food just like every other day because I never pack a lunch and he gives me three slices of cucumber, just like any other day. I get up and leave without saying goodbye, I should have but I didn’t think to. I go to look for Olivia but I can’t find her. I think she might be avoiding me because we’re talking less and less. A little later I look for her because I have nothing else to do, she usually goes to tomato basil with her friends. This might be a bad thing but I’ve made sure I know all of those people, just so that it doesn’t seem weird for me to walk right up to her and all her friends, and talk to everyone else except her because I can’t work up the nerve. And I avoid looking at her like she’s the sun, at least at close distances. I’m sure it comes off as creepy, but it’s like I can’t stop myself, it’s a habit. Sometimes I don’t think of other people as independent living things, it’s subconscious and I correct myself everytime i notice but I kind of think of everyone else as dolls that won’t move or change even if you leave them alone for a long time. So when someone else’s life changes I have trouble coping with it, even though I shouldn’t care because it’s none of my business. So even when tiny things change I feel insecure, like the ground is shaky and nothing is real or matters. The bell rings again and lunch is over. When I walk into math class I see Keira, Lena, Emma, and Oliver all sitting at their desks around mine. I sit down without saying anything which probably isn’t great and try to look like I’m paying attention to the lesson, but actually I’m worried Keira is judging me because I can’t sit still in my chair. I’m probably failing math because I do this for most of every class. I’ve known Emma for a long time and i look up to her like a parental figure because she always seems to have something smart and informed to say, but it also means im afraid if disappointing her, and i want her to really understand how i feel about myself even though it would be better if i went to my therapist or one of my actual parents. I’m still not sure how to approach the whole situation and I’ve tried to tell her a few times but I never seem to get the words right and I shut down. I’m watching Keira out of the corner of my eye as I draw. I think she knows I’m looking, but if I look away then I don’t know if she’s watching me. I can only ever do my work when she’s talking with Lena or doing her own work because then I know she’s doing something else. I think I’m being a little self centered because Keira is definitely not spending that much time watching me. I still can’t help it. One time in the summer I was completely alone at home for about a week. It was like a dream until I went to Mcdonalds, which is a few blocks away and saw a bunch of kids hanging out. It was a twenty four hour service mcdonalds which meant I was there at around ten at night. I ordered two icecreams and left. On the walk home i decided i didnt care anymore and threw both icecreams on the ground without taking a bite, then i walked out onto the yellow line in the middle of the road and walked down the road all the way home. I was hoping to get hit by a car so that my dad would have to rush to the hospital to see me. I got home safely and I stood in front of my bathroom mirror for three hours trying to cry so that I could feel like I had a reason to be sad.