I have occasional bathroom issues caused by food sensitivities (damn your delicious yet toxic nature, nacho cheese).

These bathroom issues involves pooping a bunch of times in one day. The frequent pooping and wiping severely irritate my poor butthole, aggravating hemorrhoids and anal fissures.

I know lots of people around here swear by the miracle of bidets, but before I start shopping around, I’m wondering if there are any naysayers out there who just don’t like bidets, along with why that’s the case.

Bonus question: how do I use a bidet? Most of the instructions I’ve found are a bit delicate about the details. Anyone want to give me a detailed description of how and what to do?

My swollen, bloody anus thanks you.

  • @[email protected]English
    5•1 year ago

    I don’t mind bidets, though I’ve never installed one, since I can’t imagine they’d be fun to clean.

    Here’s the thing, though…I have a system I consider superior to a bidet in pretty much every way. See, I noticed a long time ago that I poop somewhere between 0.9 and 1.1 times per day on average, and I aim to shower at least once per day. I don’t know about you, but I noticed a certain opportunity for synergy there. I call it the PoopShower system (patent pending), and after many years of using it, I don’t feel adequately clean even after using a bidet. So my personal ranking is: PoopShower, (looooong gap), bidet, TP, newspaper, leaves.

      • themeatbridge
        6•1 year ago

        Not op, but I believe their system involves pooping in the toilet followed by normal wiping and then a full shower. Most of the bulk should end up in the toilet, rendering any stomping unnecessary.

      • @Chickens
        1•1 year ago

        Still the funniest word picture the internet has created.

    • @havokdj
      2•1 year ago

      I feel like this is more common than people are willing to admit. Thank you for being brave enough to admit what many of us never have before. This is 100% the best method, especially if you have the “hose/faucet” setting on your shower head.

    • XIIIesq
      1•1 year ago

      I like to shower after I poop, but the timing doesn’t always line up appropriately, especially if you happen to be a bit ill like OP.

      And even when the stars align, I still want to use toilet paper first to get the worst of it off.

      • @[email protected]
        1•1 year ago

        Definitely TP before shower.

        And I dunno. occasionally the timing doesn’t line up, but the vast majority of the time…I can just wait.