I know I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry I did. But it was lying on the floor next to the bed, and I guess she forgot to put it up.
I opened it, and now I’m very worried about her. In her personal life, she’s a jester. She’s always so joyful with everyone around her.
Well, in her diary, every entry I looked at, even the most recent one, is about how profoundly depressed she is, and how she wants to kill herself, but for one reason or another is too afraid to do so. Even entries from years ago are like this. It seems like she’s felt this way for years, maybe even most of her life.
She gives all kinds of reasons why, from money/probably never being able to own a home (we’re poor), to just general feelings of being “tired of life”.
I had no idea. I don’t think anyone does besides me. I’m freaking out while I wait for her to come home this evening.
Now that I know, how the hell do I bring it up? Wtf do you do when you know this kind of info and can’t tell her how you do?
This must be a terrifying situation for you. I know you regret violating her privacy and don’t want to tell her that, but given what you know now, I think you need to talk with her about it. I’d recommend doing it soon (like today).
Do some quick reading first (and more reading later). Look up “suicidal ideation,” especially if you aren’t familiar with the concept. Suicidal ideation doesn’t usually have a direct cause, especially one that can be treated. Treatment is generally focused on helping the person understand and manage the thoughts. Hopefully she has a therapist that knows about this and is helping her.
Be understanding about why she hasn’t told you. She probably wants to be treated as a strong, “normal” person. Telling you, or anyone, puts her at risk of being treated as broken. Same goes for depression.
Listen and be compassionate. People like to give easy, “obvious” solutions to these kind of issues. DONT DO THAT. She isn’t stupid. There are no easy solutions.
The best thing you can do is be understanding, listen, and assure her you won’t treat her different.
Just a quick word (on this very well positioned advice with which I wholeheartedly agree) to add that, consciously or not, leaving her journal lying around and not putting it away as she usually does might be as close to a cry for help as she may be able to muster right now. Food for thought if you’re hesitating…
Thanks for adding that. It’s that possibility that made me say they should talk to her today.