Speech

My dear content creators, engagers, lurkers, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary, and others,

You will forgive me, I hope, for the voice trembling with emotion with which I address you today. For it is overwhelmed with emotion, on the verge of an hysterical breakdown, that I propose to speak to you about a subject particularly close to my heart.

No, my dear friends, I will not speak to you about content, engagement, the creative process of stealing ideas from other content creators, nor about the ads for Pepsi or WSocial proliferating these days on the interwebs, nor about those filthy slop posts drowning the good content you produce under a layer of muddy vomit, nor about memes so heavily screenshotted and cropped that every single pixel has become an ode to binary agony, no.

I will not even speak to you about computers. Not even to tell you that you shouldn’t talk to them. I won’t even speak to you about Monilek to warn you about how dangerous they are. No.

If I am taking the floor today, it is to talk to you about a hole. About my hole. Not the one you’re thinking of, but the one I have in my head. No, not that one. The other one. The normal one. The one that, every morning, would allow me to swallow my breakfast if I ate one. But, as everyone knows, any good content creator breakfasts only on a black coffee (no cream or any of that filth Americans put in it), a cigarette, and a glass of wine.

That is why I propose we establish August 6th as “Hole Fun Day,” which we will each celebrate in our own kitchens, early in the morning, by knocking back a coffee, a smoke, and a glass of red wine.

Thank you for creating content and engaging with it.

May JJ care for you, because no one else will.