I have strong feelings of disgust and passive agressivness every time a man wants to have sexual advances with me.
It makes me want to crush a glass against their skull, genuinely. I don’t do it obvi but I have the intrusive thoughts to physically hurt them every time they start to get sexual even if we’re trying to date.
It also makes me lose any sexual attraction. I know you’re going to say that I should get with an asexual guy. They’re very little around and the few I met still had sexual needs somehow which made me immediately leave and block them.
With all due respect, that sounds rather concerning. There are many reasons why someone might identify with asexuality, but there is something seriously concerning in what you wrote. I would advise against seeing anyone at this stage, asexual or not.
Do you know why you feel this sort of an extreme response?
I can only speculate that it’s because of sexual trauma from childhood and my teenage years. My experiences with men as a very young adult didn’t help either.
I’m very sorry you went through all of that. Have you ever spoke to a professional about these things? Mental health is a difficult journey, but if you truly do want a relationship, I’d wager you’d eventually find some success in therapy and more life satisfaction in this area.
One of the things I will say is that the specific type of therapy also can be important. I found huge success with a type called DBT, but I don’t actually think this would help you out much here.
Look for trauma focused therapies. Ones I’ve heard of that night ne world looking into are called EMDR therapy and internal family systems therapy. One of these may be a decent starting off point. I’m sure there are others out there too to investigate, but these are some of the ones that I’ve come across.