When I was a depressed and extremely suicidal teenager, I decided that if nothing had improved for me by the time I was 20, then I’d kill myself then. When I set that time limit, I already had a couple of failed attempts under my belt (unbeknownst to my family), and desperately wanted to die. However, I felt guilty for the pain that would cause, which is why the attempts only happened when I reached a crisis point.
I had read suicide support guidance that advised to try and put distance between yourself and the suicidal feelings, because even just a day or two can help to stabilise the situation. Well my response was to take this logic and apply it to an extreme level, with significant spite attached. My logic was that if indeed things were just as hopeless when I was 20, I would feel justified in killing myself, and fuck anyone who would begrudge me my escape at that point. I didn’t require things to be better-better by the time I was 20, I just needed something to change to show that it was still worth fighting.
Well, here I am, almost 10 years later, and I’m still alive. still struggle with suicidal ideation on a regular basis, and I suspect I will always have to keep an eye on my mental health. However, nowadays, when I get low, I don’t actively want to die like I used to. Instead, it’s usually a case of “I don’t want to die, but I know I can’t live like this”.
Ironically, I think that planning my death saved my life. There were countless times over my late teens where I would’ve been at risk of making another attempt on my life, but instead would self soothe by counting down how much time I had left to ensure. It did mean that my early 20s were a bit confusing, as I was living a life that I had planned without ever expecting that I’d get that far. And I still sort of feel like these past 10 years have been a massive bonus level that I’m half expecting to be swept away from me at any moment, but I’m still here.
There are other things I could have replied to this question with, but nothing will trump my surprise at still being alive (and wanting to be)
I’m 29. I’d be surprised I’m still alive.
When I was a depressed and extremely suicidal teenager, I decided that if nothing had improved for me by the time I was 20, then I’d kill myself then. When I set that time limit, I already had a couple of failed attempts under my belt (unbeknownst to my family), and desperately wanted to die. However, I felt guilty for the pain that would cause, which is why the attempts only happened when I reached a crisis point.
I had read suicide support guidance that advised to try and put distance between yourself and the suicidal feelings, because even just a day or two can help to stabilise the situation. Well my response was to take this logic and apply it to an extreme level, with significant spite attached. My logic was that if indeed things were just as hopeless when I was 20, I would feel justified in killing myself, and fuck anyone who would begrudge me my escape at that point. I didn’t require things to be better-better by the time I was 20, I just needed something to change to show that it was still worth fighting.
Well, here I am, almost 10 years later, and I’m still alive. still struggle with suicidal ideation on a regular basis, and I suspect I will always have to keep an eye on my mental health. However, nowadays, when I get low, I don’t actively want to die like I used to. Instead, it’s usually a case of “I don’t want to die, but I know I can’t live like this”.
Ironically, I think that planning my death saved my life. There were countless times over my late teens where I would’ve been at risk of making another attempt on my life, but instead would self soothe by counting down how much time I had left to ensure. It did mean that my early 20s were a bit confusing, as I was living a life that I had planned without ever expecting that I’d get that far. And I still sort of feel like these past 10 years have been a massive bonus level that I’m half expecting to be swept away from me at any moment, but I’m still here.
There are other things I could have replied to this question with, but nothing will trump my surprise at still being alive (and wanting to be)