Hii
I just wanted to rant about social anxiety, and my experiences.
The context why I am making this post:
I managed to get someones contact details (discord, I asked), which I was proud of. My intent is to make some friends.
Today I sent them a message. They responded kindly, then i sent a message back. Aaand thats it. 3 messages.
They were kind, and kind while i was talking to them irl, but now im just so anxious that I said something wrong. That when they were talking to me irl they actually thought I was kinda fucking weird, and sent me their discord just out of kindness. I worry they just arent interested in being friends. Which is fine of course, but i still worry about it. I understand this is all anxiety, and dont take it as reality.
I am so used to people seeing me as weird. I recall a couple years ago, an older women, describing me as “weird, in the weirdest possible way”. That broke my fucking heart. I was trying to talk. I never said anything bad I think. I just, i just made conversation… and i was having such a good time.
I hate being seen as some creep. I hate being seen as a man. I want to be seen as the women minty! Not some creature people tolerate.
I say all that, but there has been a lot of nice people in my life. So not everyone views me like that.
I worry so much that the people at the bar I went to (look at my post history for context) view me like that older women, or all the other people that have said similar things to me. But they are nice, at least, so even if they do see me as weird, I appreciate them.
I really just want to be able to make some new friends. Some new friends to chat about whatever. Not that i dont have that, fortuntely, I just want to find people who reaaallly relate to me.
Honestly I need a solid months break from the world. Not that Ill do that, but i just wanna snooze and sleep. Im tired of all this.
Thanks for reading.
-Minty
The autistic growth experience isn’t pleasant. We’ve all experienced feeling weird, alone, and cut off from whatever it is that makes other people social. We’ve known rejection our entire lives. We’ve hated ourselves for being different, others for not accepting, cried from loneliness, fallen into pits of depression sometimes lasting days, sometimes years. It’s unfair that we have to put so much more energy into learning stuff that seems to come naturally to everyone else while battling crippling anxiety, depression, and other emotional handicaps but I fully believe it’s possible.
In my experience the people who have the ability to step away from everything when they need to are the ones that end up being able to handle it the best. Autistic burnout is real and it will stunt any kind of growth. The only way to prevent it is by listening to your body when it says you need a break. Sleep if you need to sleep. Self isolate if you need the space. When you feel better get out there and work on expanding your comfort zone again. We all have goals. You want to expand your friend group. I’d like to spend more time out of the house. Putting ourselves out there requires a lot of energy but it’s worth it.
On a side note I know not everyone has the ability or space to step away and recharge and that’s heartbreaking to me because I truly believe that’s the big difference between a functioning and non functioning nerodivergent.
I def sometimes have long breaks. If i couldnt have that, I would be even more of a mess. And yeah, it is heart breaking that some folks cant do that.