For me, it’s the near-universal social rejection. To a large degree, I’ve learned how to live with it, accept it, not blame myself or others too much. It’s not always a bad thing, either, or not as bad as it might seem… there are positives.
But it is easily the thing that adversely affect my life the most. Every group rejects me, eventually, if not immediately. Every friend becomes unfriendly, many work relationships are strained. Finding a way to be okay when it seems like everyone would rather you just go away.
Today, it feels more difficult than usual but I know I will feel better soon. I wish I had some ND friendships to help me recharge. It’s funny, I left a comment on another post on how to best deal with this kind of thing but, honestly, my capacity to be resilient is not so great rn. Hopeful it will be better tomorrow.
Internalised ableism.
I work in support with autistic clients, my partner is AuDHD, and I am AuDHD. More than anything else the biggest difficulty I have in the internalised ableism that tells me what I should expect of myself and others.
Could my partner do a little better at managing their emotional state? The ableism tells me yes, that just trying a bit harder is a sustainable option. Should my younger client more more mature and spend less time on childish media? The ableism says yes. Should my older client be more progressive and less rigid in their application of religious doctrine? The ableism says yes. And should I be better at managing my time and able to work more hours? The ableism says yes.
The ableism tells me all sorts of lies that prop up the current layout of society, making it OK that people are bigots, making it acceptable that there are no accommodations in some places. It makes me feel like the problem must be internal to me, and therefore must apply to my clients. It is also sneaky and insidious, coming up with strong arguments around flawed premises.
No matter the situation the ableism makes me less able to understand and support my clients, my partner, and myself. Do I need ear defenders or should I just harden up? Does my partner really need the same breakfast and because I forgot the sausages yesterday I have to run to the shops before work and therefore get up earlier? Do I really have to listen to my client talking about a game character for 2 hours straight and actually pay attention the whole time?
The ableism makes people being cruel OK. I don’t want to be that person, so I fight it when I notice it. I am getting better at noticing it when applied to other people, starting with my clients, and it is helping with how I relate to my partner, and each time I choose compassion over judgement I make the ableism applied to myself a little more dissonant. It is the big thing I am working in at the moment and I think in time I will make good progress with it, but for now it is there and I have to work on it every time I can.
Really appreciate the thoughtful response on this topic. I think it’s a pretty commonly-shared experience among most of us, if not necessarily one that is very often overcome, but I believe that you understand it to a high degree.
What harm do you suffer from deferring your judgments, or from an early morning trip to pick up sausages, or from listening to the fan’s stories of their beloved character? Inconvenience is a small price to pay to offer kindness. The discomfort is bearable, especially when you can occasionally show it to yourself.