The person involved is not a girl, and never was. “Girlfriend” is not an appropriate term, with the perspective of what I now now.
Imagine there’s someone named George who came out of the closet as gay, but you have a photo of George from before he came out and was still publicly presenting as a straight person.
Much later in life George publicly claimed his identity as a gay man. We now know he’s gay and was gay back then, even if he hadn’t yet found himself able to live his true identity openly when that photo was taken. You would, therefore, not look at that photo and say “this is a picture of heterosexual George, he wasn’t gay back then.” It’s still a photo of a gay man, we just didn’t know that yet.
On a similar note, my previous relationship was not with a “girlfriend” despite that being how things seemed at the time. I know better now, and the respectful thing to do is refer to that person by their true pronouns and name even in context of the past, and to use the correct terminology around that
While I appreciate your input, I believe I’m also explaining it from my perspective.
I’m aware that the whole thing may be a bit novel and perhaps confusing for some folks who haven’t had this sort of experience themselves, but in my experience it has not been that big a deal. It’s certainly not something that compares with the adjustment my ex has made in pursuing their own truth, and I wish that person and anyone else in the trans and non-binary communities all the joy of that.
Your current vs previous perspective. You arent clairvoyant, and havent ever been. Else they would have been an ex much sooner or never had the opportunity.
For one thing, had that person transitioned during our relationship it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker. I happen to be bi, and I could have easily shifted to introducing a romantic partner with a new term. I understand that wouldn’t automatically be the case for everyone else in this kind of situation, but from my perspective the person’s gender presentation was not something that would have ended the relationship on its own. (The relationship just ran its natural course, and we parted on good terms.)
But, putting that aside, I’m still content to treat my previous perspective on that relationship as a misunderstanding at the time that has since been corrected, and to respect that with a retroactive change in description. My ex who I thought was a girl turned out not to be, and that’s completely fine. His transition is something I celebrate for him, and while part of that celebration affects my own story it’s still his own story first and foremost. That’s not something I wish to disrespect with inaccurate terminology when referring to the time we were together.
First part: thats fair, your wording above seemed to imply otherwise. Even if that was true, it wouldnt have painted you as anti-trans, if thats what you’re worried about here. You can respect someone’s identity while also growing apart from them as they change, happens along many axes. Axis’? I think axes.
Regardless, I dont think retroactively editing your thoughts at the time does them any meaningful favours or respect? You had no idea they were trans, why apply what you know now to a past you that didn’t?
Its how you feel about them now or since that matters, in this regard.
I really don’t consider it “retroactively editing my thoughts” or anything like that. My thoughts, feelings, and memories remain the same, it’s just a superficial label that turned out to be incorrect and that has since been corrected.
The person involved is not a girl, and never was. “Girlfriend” is not an appropriate term, with the perspective of what I now now.
Imagine there’s someone named George who came out of the closet as gay, but you have a photo of George from before he came out and was still publicly presenting as a straight person.
Much later in life George publicly claimed his identity as a gay man. We now know he’s gay and was gay back then, even if he hadn’t yet found himself able to live his true identity openly when that photo was taken. You would, therefore, not look at that photo and say “this is a picture of heterosexual George, he wasn’t gay back then.” It’s still a photo of a gay man, we just didn’t know that yet.
On a similar note, my previous relationship was not with a “girlfriend” despite that being how things seemed at the time. I know better now, and the respectful thing to do is refer to that person by their true pronouns and name even in context of the past, and to use the correct terminology around that
You’re explaining your exs reality, the commenter above was explaining it from your perspective, you’re both correct.
While I appreciate your input, I believe I’m also explaining it from my perspective.
I’m aware that the whole thing may be a bit novel and perhaps confusing for some folks who haven’t had this sort of experience themselves, but in my experience it has not been that big a deal. It’s certainly not something that compares with the adjustment my ex has made in pursuing their own truth, and I wish that person and anyone else in the trans and non-binary communities all the joy of that.
Your current vs previous perspective. You arent clairvoyant, and havent ever been. Else they would have been an ex much sooner or never had the opportunity.
For one thing, had that person transitioned during our relationship it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker. I happen to be bi, and I could have easily shifted to introducing a romantic partner with a new term. I understand that wouldn’t automatically be the case for everyone else in this kind of situation, but from my perspective the person’s gender presentation was not something that would have ended the relationship on its own. (The relationship just ran its natural course, and we parted on good terms.)
But, putting that aside, I’m still content to treat my previous perspective on that relationship as a misunderstanding at the time that has since been corrected, and to respect that with a retroactive change in description. My ex who I thought was a girl turned out not to be, and that’s completely fine. His transition is something I celebrate for him, and while part of that celebration affects my own story it’s still his own story first and foremost. That’s not something I wish to disrespect with inaccurate terminology when referring to the time we were together.
You seem like a very kind person, it’s not often people speak about their exes with such respect and consideration.
First part: thats fair, your wording above seemed to imply otherwise. Even if that was true, it wouldnt have painted you as anti-trans, if thats what you’re worried about here. You can respect someone’s identity while also growing apart from them as they change, happens along many axes. Axis’? I think axes.
Regardless, I dont think retroactively editing your thoughts at the time does them any meaningful favours or respect? You had no idea they were trans, why apply what you know now to a past you that didn’t?
Its how you feel about them now or since that matters, in this regard.
I really don’t consider it “retroactively editing my thoughts” or anything like that. My thoughts, feelings, and memories remain the same, it’s just a superficial label that turned out to be incorrect and that has since been corrected.