I’m a 40-year old dude with… let’s say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.
I’ve been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.
The problem is, I don’t have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.
But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn’t succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.
In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren’t really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers… that I’ve looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn’t mean they’re some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.
I guess I’m just trying to communicate that I’m a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.
Before anyone asks, I’m on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).
How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?
I sort of felt the same about my parents before I really did some reflection on who they were as children and how they were raised vs. how they raised me, and even how the generations before them handed down patterns of abuse that they worked hard to stop in their parenting of my siblings and me. It doesn’t mean that everything was perfect. They still made mistakes that I can see as an adult who has raised children, but they also didn’t have the benefit of all the knowledge I have now due to advancements in psychology and the decent education they didn’t afford themselves because they were very young parents, but made sure I got.
Now, when I look back at who they were as people and parents I can see that they were not the best role models I could have asked for, but good people in their hearts, who tried to make sure I didn’t suffer the same sort of childhood they had. My childhood was still not easy but it was better than what they had experienced because all they had to learn from were negative role models, too. We’re all doing the best we can with the information we have.
If you try to frame it as everyone making small bits of incremental progress away from those bad role models with each generational shift, you can see the progress you have made, and that your parents made from their bad role models.
I am glad you will be going to therapy soon. Journaling and meditation will probably help you to work out your thoughts on tough topics while you are waiting, too. I started a therapy journal while I was waiting, where I wrote down what had happened that had messed up my life enough that I needed therapy. It was helpful for both me and my counselor.