The good: I have an inhuman appetite for math and I’m extremely good at learning new things in seemingly unrelated disciplines like music and politics. I would like to think I am unflinching in my commitment to freedom and equality for all people. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. I have a “good ear” for music and non-musical audio applications. I’m good with computers, both hardware and software.
The bad: I’m not good at people. I need to be behind a screen to really flourish. I have to really “get into the minds” of other people because what I would want “in their shoes” is so foreign to the average person. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. Practically, this means that I’ve “wasted” a ton of time proving theoretical results to myself that an ordinary student would just trust is correct and move onto topics that actually make them better at their jobs/hobbies. This isn’t a good trait for an engineer. I am unintentionally condescending and cold. I’m a really boring person to be around. Even when I’m talking about death metal or radical politics, I have a particularly robotic way of doing it. I’m never ever satisfied. I don’t like being around people. It is normal for me to see my few friends only once or twice a year, and I wouldn’t want more than that.
The ugly: I am severely depressed, anxious, and poorly adjusted to life in a physical universe. I don’t trust people who are close to me. While I don’t give out my trust willy-nilly to randos, I typically become less trusting as people become closer to me because they’re closer to having seen the real me. I have terrible impulse control when it comes to spending my money, particularly on food. I basically can’t manage my time; I have my phone do it for me. My brain is fucking mush compared to a few years ago; I used to be okay. Although I wrote all three sections to be about the same length, I could write a hundred pages on the bad and the ugly. Yet, I basically exhausted what I could think of with my good traits.
Summary: I’m shit at almost everything except for a few very specific tasks that aren’t really enough to make up for my deficiencies.
I mean I’m supposed to be on Prozac (ran out, can’t afford copay for refill appointment), and I take Wellbutrin. Both work better than zero, but they’re not enough. Without them, I wouldn’t be applying for work, doing any of my hobbies, or even writing on Lemmy.
What changed over the past few years is that I went back to school and had to quit my day job, which means no more “adult money”. Everything else follows from that. If, and only if, I can secure a source of “adult money”, then I will get better. Really, this is a special case of the general reality that life in America is intentionally miserable if you have no money.
I have an engineering degree so I should be able to get a job before the end of the year, but I’ve applied for about 100 jobs and only gotten two interviews.
After I get a job and move into a sustainable career path, I’ll consider talking to a therapist about my medications.
The good: I have an inhuman appetite for math and I’m extremely good at learning new things in seemingly unrelated disciplines like music and politics. I
would like to think Iam unflinching in my commitment to freedom and equality for all people. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. I have a “good ear” for music and non-musical audio applications. I’m good with computers, both hardware and software.The bad: I’m not good at people. I need to be behind a screen to really flourish. I have to really “get into the minds” of other people because what I would want “in their shoes” is so foreign to the average person. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. Practically, this means that I’ve “wasted” a ton of time proving theoretical results to myself that an ordinary student would just trust is correct and move onto topics that actually make them better at their jobs/hobbies. This isn’t a good trait for an engineer. I am unintentionally condescending and cold. I’m a really boring person to be around. Even when I’m talking about death metal or radical politics, I have a particularly robotic way of doing it. I’m never ever satisfied. I don’t like being around people. It is normal for me to see my few friends only once or twice a year, and I wouldn’t want more than that.
The ugly: I am severely depressed, anxious, and poorly adjusted to life in a physical universe. I don’t trust people who are close to me. While I don’t give out my trust willy-nilly to randos, I typically become less trusting as people become closer to me because they’re closer to having seen the real me. I have terrible impulse control when it comes to spending my money, particularly on food. I basically can’t manage my time; I have my phone do it for me. My brain is fucking mush compared to a few years ago; I used to be okay. Although I wrote all three sections to be about the same length, I could write a hundred pages on the bad and the ugly. Yet, I basically exhausted what I could think of with my good traits.
Summary: I’m shit at almost everything except for a few very specific tasks that aren’t really enough to make up for my deficiencies.
Can I ask if you take any medication
In fact I do, antidepressants. They don’t work as well as they used to.
No I’ll be honest I think SSRIs suck. But I wonder if a mood stabilizer might help you.
I mean I’m supposed to be on Prozac (ran out, can’t afford copay for refill appointment), and I take Wellbutrin. Both work better than zero, but they’re not enough. Without them, I wouldn’t be applying for work, doing any of my hobbies, or even writing on Lemmy.
What changed over the past few years is that I went back to school and had to quit my day job, which means no more “adult money”. Everything else follows from that. If, and only if, I can secure a source of “adult money”, then I will get better. Really, this is a special case of the general reality that life in America is intentionally miserable if you have no money.
I have an engineering degree so I should be able to get a job before the end of the year, but I’ve applied for about 100 jobs and only gotten two interviews.
After I get a job and move into a sustainable career path, I’ll consider talking to a therapist about my medications.
Sure that all makes sense. But Prozac I will point out is really old school and there’s better stuff out there.
Good to know. Thank you for reaching out to me :)