It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can’t I make really social connection that aren’t just surface level. And why can’t I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can’t stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can’t i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, “Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol”
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can’t make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can’t say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven’t been tested yet but honestly it’s so I can’t be as doubtful of myself. I swear I’ll struggle through a social situation and come home and go “hmmmm I’m not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don’t have autism and am just faking it”. He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
That sounds like such an interesting journey. You seem to have a lot more self-awareness than I do, too. lol. There were sooooo soooo many signs that I acknowledged existed, but I never connected them to autism. I just felt that I was weird, wrong, weak, or broken. Never once did I think, “Maybe I’m autistic.” Not once.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
You are unforgiven because I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You can be as lengthy, weird, quirky, or autistic as you want in here as long as you don’t blatantly break the rules.
It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can’t I make really social connection that aren’t just surface level. And why can’t I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can’t stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can’t i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, “Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol”
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can’t make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can’t say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven’t been tested yet but honestly it’s so I can’t be as doubtful of myself. I swear I’ll struggle through a social situation and come home and go “hmmmm I’m not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don’t have autism and am just faking it”. He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
That sounds like such an interesting journey. You seem to have a lot more self-awareness than I do, too. lol. There were sooooo soooo many signs that I acknowledged existed, but I never connected them to autism. I just felt that I was weird, wrong, weak, or broken. Never once did I think, “Maybe I’m autistic.” Not once.
You are unforgiven because I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You can be as lengthy, weird, quirky, or autistic as you want in here as long as you don’t blatantly break the rules.