ngl. Trying to stay connected with an angry or distraught boy is difficult.

It starts with listening. Really, truly listening to a boy means setting aside all of the worries, irritations, and urgencies we might feel in response to what he is doing or saying, and instead offering the gift of our full attention. Beyond that, we can validate our sons by accompanying them during the activities they genuinely enjoy, even if it means stretching outside of our own comfort zones. For example, both of my sons often chose to get quality time with me by doing activities that I am not so fond of—like playing video games, wrestling and roughhousing, or throwing around a lacrosse ball. But what mattered was my willingness to try, and simply to be there, just because I cared. And when my sons behaved badly, rather than threatening, scolding, or shaming them, I instead stepped in closer, sometimes firmly, to insist they tell me about whatever underlying tension was driving them off course. Even when they were being willfully uncooperative, I determined what they needed was more connection, not distance