Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.
I am still a virgin.
Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.
I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.
My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.
Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.
Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.
I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.
I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)
My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.
The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.
Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:
- Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
- Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
- Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
- Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
- Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
You need therapy. Reading through this, there is a lot of (deserved) hurt and anger that needs to be addressed. If you’re not a male model, you need to be funny and affable and you can’t be that if you’re wounded.
That also doesn’t mean you need to put your life on hold while you work on your mental health. Join a co-Ed rec team sport and get good at being sociable with people. Pick up an art or instrument, you don’t need to be a rock star just creative and passionate about something.
If you’re working out, do it because you like the physical benefits from it be they form or function.
All these things tie into the fact that women will be more turned off by an ugly personality than an ugly face.
You still can’t skip your appearance, but it should be secondary to getting your head right.
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I partially addressed this in another comment. A lot of the problem I think is that I don’t know how to talk to women beyond just friendly conversation, and I think it may be trauma from past bullying.
Maybe I do want more, and maybe I’ve given up on trying to find love because I’m just weary of it.
Fully agree that I should speak to a professional, I am part of my workplace’s private medical insurance scheme so I could see what they can offer, since getting any help from the NHS is a no-go unless you’re at immediate risk of serious harm/death. (Thankfully I am not at that point.)
Honestly, my suggestion is to go out to places that have events, like trivia or other games, whatever, with the explicit understanding you will not be flirting, asking anyone on a date, or trying to have sex.
Be friendly. Practice communication. Avoid drinking (especially to excess), don’t change your mind when you think there is a chance, etc.
Just be a person doing something for fun.
You’re creating, IMHO, a manufactured need to not-be-virgin, which can seriously make you come across as overeager or even not interested in someone as a person. Not saying this is what’s happening with you specifically, just things that I’ve seen.
Others have it right about working on yourself, this is just one way to go about it. Best of luck!
I’ve tried seeking help several times. Doctors haven’t been particularly helpful (some have just fobbed me off) and the most I got were a few art therapy sessions with a charity a few years back.
Last year after my last breakup I self-referred to the NHS with depression and the most I got was an online cognitive behavioral therapy course that I really could have studied from a book. There was a years-long waiting list before COVID and now things are somehow even worse.
Even trying to go private has been a no-go because every therapist in my city is overbooked.
Fortunately I have private health insurance from my workplace, so I may be able to get therapy through that.
In what respect? It seems worded in a way that implies I deserve what I get, and that is something I really don’t understand.
Deserved as in your deservedly feel hurt or angry about the things in the past. As in, shitty things happened to you, so you (rightfully) feel the way you do. You deserve to feel that way in the sense you rightfully feel that way. It doesn’t mean you deserved to have those things happen to you. Different usages of the word.
Other commentor was correct, but “deserved” in that you’re right to feel that way. Not that you deserved any mistreatment.
As for finding someone, I’m in the US, but it sucks here too taking to virtually everyone I know who’s looked for help. If they’re booking three months out, schedule it and you can always cancel if you something more immediate. But you gotta be persistent, since no one is going to ever be a bigger advocate for you than you. Also might need to try more than one therapist to find someone who clicks.