Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.

I am still a virgin.

Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.

I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.

My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.

Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.

Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.

I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.

I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)

My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.

The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.

Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:

  • Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
  • Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
  • Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
  • Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
  • Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
  • @[email protected]
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    31 year ago

    There’s no shame in going to a hooker to break the seal. Don’t look for the cheapest one, spend a little and get a GFE girlfriend experience. Be freshly showered and groomed, tell them you’re a virgin, if you have any way of getting a Cialis before hand definitely take one so your nerves don’t kill your hardon. Do not visit anywhere you think there’s even the most remote possibility of the women being trafficked. Well known establishments or self employed only.

    Beyond that, work on self respect. Going to the gym helps both your physique and self respect, if that’s something you’re capable of committing to then it’s one of your best means of self improvement.

    Are you respected in your work? Do you respect what you do for work?

    How are you around other men? Do you have at least one or two core male friends you can just be a dude around? Maybe ones that are in relationships or are better with women that you can see how to interact with them?

    When you have your shit sorted, self respect and some social savvy, women still won’t come to you but they won’t be scared away as easily. Don’t be afraid to go for women you aren’t conventionally attracted to, something you and them can both have fun with even if it isn’t meant to last. Any notch is a confidence boost.

    Best of luck brother

    • @[email protected]
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      11 year ago

      Just realize if you see a professional lady she’s going to know her business and will be more comfortable and experienced than non-pro girl you might date or hook up with. I agree, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a pro! But each partner has a different sexual experience level, etc.