I feel like the selfies are basically fake, a trick of software and good angles, I’m also kinda convicened the one st a distance in the black top is pixel camera shangeans. I feel like realstixlly the graduation one is how most people see me. I just hate how I look, and I feel awful. I almost feel like HRT hasn’t done anytging, maybe it can’t for me. Maybe male puberty just hit too hard? If I got off of HRT lost 100 pounds than started again would it see acual effects
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Selfies can make you look better or worse - that’s just how camera angles, camera settings, and environmental lighting are. Literally everyone has conditions that make them look worse in a camera. Realistically, the graduation photo is absolutely not how most people see you - every ID of mine taken in similar conditions looks like total shit to me. And before you say mirrors make you look awful too, that’s also a known phenonemon - I can personally attest to the hell that mirrors give me most days. You need to understand that the world around you does not see you as horribly as you see yourself. I’m not going to argue with you whether you should stay on HRT - that’s a dexision on feelings I can’t know - but I do know that at the very least, if you want to feel better when looking at your own pictures, it has to start with you conditioning yourself to hate yourself less. When you feel like calling yourself ugly, criticize that thought. Pick apart your own biases, and find a way of not just looking better, but looking at yourself better. It will be immensely difficult, but it will be oh-so worth it. Otherwise, no matter how close you get to your goals, you will never look aesthetically pleasinng to yourself while your self-loathing still blinds you.
And please, get therapy. You look relatively young, and so if you are (usually like under the age of 21 is good enough for this depending on where you live), you might be able to get therapy for reduced or no cost. Assuming that’s a high school and not college graduation photo and that you are either going to or will be going to college, you can also usually seek therapy through the college (again, typically for a greatly reduced cost), though that tends to be a bit more varied in how well-versed they are in issues like this in particular. Furthermore, chances are, there may be a queer community center anywhere from half an hour to two hours away from you - if they’re in the same state as you (assuming you’re in the United States), it should be fine, as they also happen to have online therapy, and community centers tend to have more cost-accessible therapy. Online therapy is typically better than no therapy, so please do not discount that as an option if it would be more accessible in some way to you.