I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.
My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.
I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?
I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?
It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.
She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.
Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…
Here’s a weird suggestion: Reach out to her and propose relationship counseling. It’s absolutely not healthy for an amicable breakup to be NC. You can absolutely go to a relationship counselor with to goal of figuring out how to end your marriage and rediscover yourselves as friends- but the fact that you went NC tells me that either you’re leaving something huge out of this, or you don’t know how to negotiate your boundaries as ex-partners and are afraid of falling back into a loveless relationship.
When you spend that long with someone, even if you don’t love them, they become a part of your life in a way that always hurts to tear out. You’re basically mourning a loss, and I think y’all recognize that the weight of that loss could make both of you repeat stupid mistakes.
That having been said, if there’s a good reason why you’re NC, then I don’t have a lot of great advice for you, other than to forget her and move on. If you’re ready for intimacy but not ready for a relationship, be very open with the people you’re dealing with that you’re looking for something casual and have the baggage of a 15 year relationship behind you.