This is not only about fitness but also about mental struggles - but I think they are very much related for me.

I used to be significantly obese during multiple phases in my life. That made my childhood and adolescence suck pretty hard. I still had some friends (also of the opposite gender) but that made me miss out on lots of experiences. E.g. no one would’ve thought about dating someone that looks like that (no hard feelings, I wouldn’t have either, which was one of the reasons change was obviously necessary). I lost most weight before going to college but wasn’t fit, maybe on the slightly heavier side of normal. That was already much of an improvement, but the complete change of social environment makes it hard to distinguish between causes and effects. I still was somewhat socially crippled, caused by earlier experiences, but found an environment where I could improve and make new friends. Dating was still something between nonexistent and extremely hard, though I suppose it’s like that for many people. I was more of an introverted, internally sensitive, slightly distanced person, which doesn’t really make getting to know new people very easy.

Blabla, social things improved a bit over time, but my weight was fluctuating by quite a bit (say 30 lbs). I always was able to get it down somewhat close to normal BMI ranges after bad phases. Couldn’t really clearly nail down social differences here because change was mostly gradual.

I injured myself and ballooned up in a year or two to +80 lbs. That’s when negative experiences really started becoming more frequent. Not open bullying like in school but just people being unfriendly, closed off/distant, cold without change in behavior on my side. Not a great feeling. Still got a new, better job in that pretty bad shape though.

I dropped the weight again (and got lighter than before). That’s when some moments felt like the universe really wants to be nice to me. Just random people being super nice and helpful (e.g. when shopping or otherwise out and about). I think the effect was much stronger with women (I’m male), but not necessarily only in similar age ranges. Also much older women got much nicer. And kids too also were much less sceptical of me. Men somehow became more respectful I think.

I got a bit fit too afterwards (so a bit better than just not fat). Not anything that people on an online fitness community would really consider fit (yet) but apparently some people see that I seem to work out when not wearing baggy clothes. And sometimes they compliment me! Even people of the opposite gender I haven’t met before. For me that’s unbelievable and feels kind of crazy. Making friends (through existing ones) somehow got much easier and people just seem much more positive than before.

Dating is better but still meh. I know that more women find me at least somewhat attractive compared to just being not fat (I don’t know who though), but I’m still no looker. My face is below average and I think that has a larger effect than a somewhat fit body. A random conversation with female friends a while ago included “You look fit!” (to me) and 30 min later “Oh, Jim looks so nice, all girls find him hot” - where Jim has a bit of a belly, is not really fit, and has an amazing face. Again, no hate here :) I just find it interesting to think about. My much bigger issue than looks with dating is likely more mental and behavioral. I have an easy time making friends with women (moreso than with men), but most new women I get to know are pretty strongly connected to that circle of friends. And I basically don’t ask anyone out to not annoy them or make things weird… I don’t have much of an issue asking someone out if I would know they are interested - but I never know (except for one rare happenstance nearly 10 years ago, lol). As for signs of interest from women, basically fuck knows, I’ve nearly only been guessing wrong so far. Still too ugly for online dating, in-person dating events are better though (that’s how I know I seem to be a bit more attractive now).

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk.