I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.

I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.

Edit:

So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).

  • @[email protected]OPEnglish
    3•1 year ago

    Hey stranger. I feel glad I have someone who understands this feeling/state. How are you feeling now? At this very moment.

    Secondly, I’m so glad on how well you’ve articulated this feeling, this state. I am, sometimes, too overwhelmed to even find words to describe it. The avoidance, the consistent intentional distractions (with still this very thing at the back of your mind), I did eventually submit what I needed to, and I could breathe and wondered why such a thing was weighing me down. Yesterday was terrible for me, today I woke up in better spirits.

    Honestly, I’m grateful for this platform and space and for people to willingly and voluntarily share what they can to give you/me a push (no matter how slight or grand). And I’m glad the response gave you some insights.

    Update me (if you’d like) on how today’s going for you, yeah?

    Oh, I forgot to add: take a minute at a time. People tell me to take a day at a time, but I find it easier to be more graceful with myself if I take it a minute at a time. And also, just trying to go out for walking or even staying in the sun (I’m not sociable, can describe myself as an introvert and someone in the comments made me aware about cabin fever).

    Note: I hate the sun, and I don’t like daytime but forcing/coercing myself to engage in either has changed my mood slightly. I hope this can help or any other thing. I also picked colouring books, you know the ones for kids, and I find colouring a sort of relaxing. Just mindless scratches on a paper.

    Lastly, this could be TMI: I am not a healthy eater, and been suffering from constipation for as long as I can remember. Oats has been magic for me, and honestly, I credit it for my current mood.

    • @thonofpyEnglish
      2•1 year ago

      Hello fellow struggler, I’m glad we are having this exchange. I’m currently sick with Covid (not bad, just annoying, that’s what you get for going out and meeting people lol). It helps me go a litte easier on myself though, as I have good reason to isolate an feel exhausted.

      As for my current Thing, I asked my best friend to help me and together, we made some decent progress. Especially when I have trouble reading messages because I am afraid they might contain something stressful (which of course doesn’t fix anything), it helps me to ask someone I trust to read them for me and tell me what they say. Stupid, I know, but the simpelest things can feel as hard as you let them sometimes…

      Anyways, I coloured something today and quite enjoyed it.

      monotI like one minute at a time, it can be a reminder that the past does not determine the future. Even though the last 200 Minutes weren’t so great, I can get up and make myself a cup of tea this minute.

      Can totally confirm sunlight, it helps to make myself sit in the sun even for a bit. I am lucky to have a balcony, so I don’t even need to leave the house, really.

      Digestionwise, I have had some good experiences adding some psyillium/flea seeds to my oats, but it might not be for you.

      I’ve been wondering about things I can do in better times to build some resources for when I’m struggeling. So far, I came up with stuff like having some proper meals at home that need little effort to prepare, as well as trying to build/practice good habits like journaling, mindfulness and light exercise. I’d be interested in further ideas, should you have any :)

      Hope you are continuing to get better, do not despair if you aren’t.