I’ve had severe demand avoidance my whole life. If people interrupt me or keep trying to get my attention without considerable breaks, I get quite overwhelmed. I mean that I can easily go into a complete meltdown if someone continues to interrupt me after I’ve asked them to please stop, even if their interruption is seemingly helpful and selfless.
I seriously broke up with a girl that loved the hell out of me because she just couldn’t stop interrupting me when I was engaged in something. I completely blocked another friend I had for ~17 years after going on an international trip with him because after asking him repeatedly to please stop blurting out every single idea he has, to save them until I seem like I want to hear it. Nope, he just couldn’t do that. It is just completely unbearable for me, and after leaving the trip on my own earlier than planned, I blocked all opportunities for him to contact me. I would be happy to never hear from or of him ever again. That’s how much I cannot tolerate demands.
Aside from that, the best part of my day is when I go to bed to lie down for the night. It is my safe place where I know no one will interrupt me because everyone is asleep. This happens even if I live alone.
Unfortunately, the way this plays out is that I end up isolating myself and have pretty bad sleep issues since I basically stay in bed awake for hours at night. It’s like my body wakes up once I hit the bed, which is terrible for sleep hygiene. Last night, I went to best at midnight and didn’t fall asleep until 5am, so I’m exhausted-tired today.
I’m working with a therapist to develop a social circle that is healthier for me, so that’s on the horizon…hopefully. When I review my life, my favorite relationships are ones where I just co-exist with someone in the same space without much direct verbal interaction. I enjoy touch and sharing, but not if they talk a lot. And if they do talk a lot, I prefer if they keep the talking consolidated rather than spreading it out throughout the day. I can tolerate 2 hour conversations wayyy better than 6 hours of talking for 5 mins repeatedly.
Any other suggestions on how to manage this?
I had a big problem with sleep hygiene as well since I often would turn in early at night to rest when I lived with others in order to be in a quiet space where I will likely not be disturbed until morning. I found that I had to set some rules for myself if I wasn’t feeling tired enough to fall asleep. My rules were: 1) do not go under the covers, 2) since i hate wearing socks to sleep I made sure to keep them on until I was ready to get under the covers, 3) make sure I feel relaxed. I often have to have a hot shower before bed to raise my body temperature before I get into bed because the feeling of my body temp dropping makes me sleepy.
As for the tolerance issue, I would say that there’s a lot of factors in finding success for it. Someone else in the comments said that you have to change. I think maybe there’s some skills for you to work on, but fundamentally I don’t believe you need to change. I think that I can sense a feeling that your friend and former girlfriend didn’t seem to respect what you were requesting of them. I can understand how that can be a tough subject to tackle, especially when you’re actively overwhelmed. With the people I care about, I have discussed with them that there will be times where I can’t really speak or be spoken to and that I’ll give them a signal/codeword so they understand when I am in that state. I bring some earplugs with my everywhere to help against overstimulation since I am particularly sensitive to sounds. Most people seem to respect when I request some quiet. I often will discuss with them after the overwhelming feelings pass about why I got overwhelmed, if I know why, so that if it was something that they did that we can talk about how to avoid that going forward. Though I do believe that this makes me hard to be around as it makes others feel like they walk on eggshells around me, at times.
I believe that there’s a few things that you should talk over with your therapist about. The first thing that I found helped me a lot was getting better at recognising my limits. I know it night not be the case for you, but for me I really struggled to recognise getting overwhelmed until it was too late and I was melting down. This skill is necessary for the second thing to consider. The second thing to talk about would be gaining some more effective communication skills. Of course, it takes two to have a conversation, but doing your best to convey your thoughts, feelings, and intentions is important.
Let me know what you think. I hope something in my comment helps!
All of that helped, thank you! 😀
I can relate to the sleep hygiene part a lot. I like those ideas to still be able to use the bed for relax time, while still reserving some signals for my body to know when it’s time to sleep. Btw, I also shower right before bed, but that’s because I can’t fall asleep if my thighs feel dirty in the sheets lol. It’s like a rough-sticky feeling that’s activating.
Thanks for addressing the other comment. After a lifetime of people telling me that I’m the problem and need to change to meet their expectations while withholding the autism info from me, it didn’t seem to match my experiences and situation, so I didn’t take much from it.
I have been working on sensation sensitivity and started taking noise cancelling earphones around at the advice of my therapist. They have saved me a lot of stress at times. I like your compassionate and considerate description of your situation. It helps me learn to be that way too. I noted down the discussion points to discuss with my therapist because I think they’re great ideas that match the benefits I’ve received from autism therapy (really, more like autism self -awareness and -accommodation discussions). She’s already used to me coming in with my notes 😅
I’m glad that I could help! I also dislike feeling unclean when I get into bed and it prevents me from being able to sleep, too. For me, I need to be sure my pit, face, and feet feel clean lol.
The only other advice I can offer is to be patient with yourself as you go on your journey. It’s definitely easier said than done as I know I can get frustrated with myself when I seem to be going backwards at times. Sometimes, circumstances are not kind and sometimes it can feel like no progress is being made, but that’s ok. It’s good to take things at a pace that works for you to ensure that you don’t get overwhelmed. It’s sorta like me when I go to the gym; if I workout too hard, I won’t want to go again because it was too much. Taking things at a slower pace and lower intensity while still challenging myself is ideal to keep up the good habit and I believe that it applies to good habits for mental health as well.
I’m glad that you have a therapist that sounds understanding and helpful. It can make a big difference having people in our lives that understand us. If there’s anything else you need or wish to talk about, I will be available when I can :)