recently I had a relationship that took a turn for the worst. I started working part time at a coffee shop in my town and found a girl that took a liking to me. Me also being intreseted, we started hanging out outside of work a lot. The more we hung out the more and started developinig feelings for eachother. Eventually both of us got together after a steamy night out despite my better judgement.
She had expressed being in a lot of abusive relationships, struggling with addiction to many substances in the past, and had terrilble parents and family. I empathized and thought I could be a better person in her life. at this point, I planned a camping trip for the two of us to get away from all the crazy for a bit.
fast forward, she moves out of her parents place and becomes very distant. me being concerned, I keep asking whats going on but she keeps pushing away. eventually after 3 weeks of her not responding, I ask if she ever really even wanted to be in a relationship with me and she said no. Devistated, I cancel and trip and avoid her during work. She then get’s frustrated that I’m not acting the same way around her anymore and that I had cancled the trip. I express to her how I felt about the situation and why I canceled the trip and I felt like she understood.
a few weeks later, after I get back from the camping trip I had planned where I had decided to go by myself, she texts me she’s feeling suicidal and needs some support right now. I drop everything and go to her place consul her as I’ve been there. she then expresses to me she’s been struggling with bpd for a while. I tell her if she ever needs help or needs anything from me to just let me know.
A week later, she starts to flirt with me again at work and I take it as she’s intrested in me again. despite my better judgement, I take the flirting too far by touching her butt briefly as she was showing me her holes in the back pockets of her pants, wiggling her fingers through. Without giving it a second thought, I do the same with my left hand thinking nothing of it as we had been intimate. After doing so, she looks disgusted and I say I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.
I then go to her place the next day with some snacks to appologize. She wasn’t home so I just left them at her door with a snapchat explain myself. She then takes a screenshot of my snapchat out of context, sends it to the police, and claims that I’ve raped her, sexually assulted her, and have been stalking her. claims we never had any kind of relationship and gets me thrown in jail for a couple of days.
TLDR: girl I’ve been dating for a few months makes false claims I’ve raped her and have been stalking her. Without question or evidence, I get thrown in jail and have been dealing with legal fallout, mental, emotional, and financial struggles since.
It’s been a few month since, lots of therapy sessions, tons of meds, and I’ve gone through most of the legal stuff. I’m now left feeling I’m no longer safe as a man. I’m so traumatized I finding it hard to leave the house anymore and increasling hard to talk to and trust others.
I guess what I really want to know is how can I protect myself as a man in the future from these kinds of things? I’ve asked my therapist, many of my friends, and family members to no avail. Most of them come from a religous background or havn’t dealt with anything remotly similar. Let me know your thoughts bellow.
The only way to not repeat this is to learn from it. I’m a big proponent of “attract, don’t chase.” When you are the absolute best version of yourself, happily doing your own thing and living your best life, people find that attractive. Try to volunteer or go to hobby events/shops, you’re going to find people who like what you like and try to find a relationship that is a positive feedback loop. I think you should want to do everything in your power to make your partner happy because their happiness brings you joy and your partner should feel the same about you. Boost each other until you both reach your goals.
It’s been a rough 2 years beyond this just happening and I guess out of desperation I felt like it was the only good thing going for me in my life. that in contrast with my last relationship, where we had been dating for a whole year but due to me losing my job I had to move back home. she never really said she wanted me to stay and that influenced my descision to move back. after the fact, I felt like I should have fought for our relationship and for me to stay. I’ve since reached out and she said she would have loved if I had stayed but understood that I couldn’t and didn’t really question it. I’ve since learned now to just let it be. if it’s not working out, it’s not working out. Thank you for your comment, really appreciate it!
Oof, sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. I wouldn’t feel too bad about the woman you had to leave behind though. Because relationships are a two-way street and she has to put some effort in too. If she didn’t fight for you or try to figure out a way to make it work for you both, then she wasn’t prioritizing the relationship anyway. As an example, my partner and I lived at least 1000 miles from anyone we knew and we had no support system. When my partner, who was the breadwinner at the time, lost her job, we together found a new solution. Yes, it meant picking up and moving across the country again in less than a year, but the alternative was homelessness. Never once was our relationship on the line, even if our housing was. There’s someone out there who thinks being apart from you is the worst life choice ever, so don’t miss her by being sad about the ones who aren’t her.
it’s ok, I’m taking it day by day and hoping for the best. also wow, she sounds like a keeper for sure! I’ve never had a relationship that strong before, even friends. I’ll definitely keep that in mind in my next relationship. I tend to be a over giver when it comes to anyone in my life 😅 I’m learning to set more boundaries now