My boyfriend (33) and I (38) have been together for almost four years. We were one of those early couples during COVID who decided to cohabitate sooner than we would normally have preferred. I was living in San Francisco and he was in Northern Virginia. I drove cross-country with my cat and most the valuable possessions I could fit into a sedan to move in with him.

Things have gone well, with one exception: we haven’t decided where we are going to live for the long term. Last year, we moved from Northern Virginia back to his home state because his mother was ill. His state is in the US South and borders my home state. We have very different views on our region of origin.

As a kid, I dreamt of leaving Tennessee before I knew I was gay. I realized I was irreligious in middle school, so I’m sure you can imagine what it was like going to a public high school that had a course that taught the bible as literal truth and a baccalaureate service at a Southern Baptist church that was paid for by the mandatory cap-and-gown rental fees. Moving to Atlanta was marginally better, but moving to SF was like escaping hell.

He, on the other hand, loves this region and his home state. He grew up in Appalachia, was very involved in his church and was even semi-out at his church. He feared his dad learning that he was gay more than he was afraid of anyone at church finding out. After his dad died, that was obviously no longer an issue, so he’s completely out to his family and they accept our relationship.

It was my suggestion that we move here, though we considered Atlanta and Richmond, VA. The rationale was that he really wanted to move back home and that he missed his family. Throughout our relationship, he was always upfront about planning to move back home at some point. Ultimately, I wanted to rip off the band-aid sooner so that if things didn’t work out, we’d still be young enough to have an easier time finding new partners. I saw no point in prolonging what may be inevitable.

I don’t hate it here, but I’m also very introverted and on the spectrum, so I can go a long time without face-to-face contact with strangers. I’ve leaned in to my hobbies, which are all solitary in nature. I find it tolerable because I don’t have to interact with the local culture.

He loves it here; since we moved back, his mental and physical health have improved. He’s very much an extrovert, so he’s joined an affirming church and gotten involved with it. He’s also reconnected with old friends. I mention this because there’s a bit of tension about the fact that he’ll invite me to events and gatherings and I always say no. Since he’s asked me this, I have been honest about the fact that I was not like this in SF or Atlanta; I was much more interested in socializing and going to events, far more so in SF.

There’s an unspoken understanding that we’ll likely have to move somewhere else due to his job or my career. I’m a contractor at a big tech company; going full-time would require relocation. I’ve been looking for a more stable job for a few months but the market is terrible and companies are much pickier than they were before COVID. I have no interest in working for a non-tech company or any company not based on the West Coast; I’ve done that before and found it rife with social BS. It’s been years since I had to deal with the implicit expectation that I must be interested in organized sports because I’m a masculine-presenting man who regularly works out.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had variations on the same fight (where to live long-term) for the past 3 years or so . We’ve made progress but haven’t come to a real resolution. It’s complicated by the fact that even though we’re in a relatively big city, there’s no tech industry to speak of here and I’ve lost out on at least one opportunity because of our location. Is it time to consider ending things or am I being a worry-wart?

  • @vivavideri
    link
    English
    11 year ago

    If RTP calls to you, check out Durham, chapel Hill, or carrboro. Raleigh’s fine but expensive as shit and non-natives insist it’s boring and lacks amenities that similar sized cities have (aka, Atlanta wins lol). Durham is lgbtpoc central, it’s beautiful, and I love it. All of the above can be outskirts’d so less bustle. Carrboro has this small feel to it while still being friendly. That being said, it probably boils down to which state’s GOP is the least horrible, and NC has been reamed the last 12 years something fierce and it is NOT pretty. Breaks my heart.

    Best of luck to you wherever the two of you find yourselves!

    • @erebusOP
      link
      English
      21 year ago

      Thanks! I’m not super enthusiastic about the prospect, but I had a contract gig in Charlotte in late 2018 through mid 2019, so I know I could probably handle RTP. The last time I was in Durham was when I was 15 and attending a camp at Duke, but I remember it being an interesting place.

      I didn’t enjoy Charlotte, though the beer was great and its public transit was good compared to the rest of the South. I suspect I didn’t enjoy it because I hated my job, as does just about everyone who works at Charter. But the city was very clean for a city of its size, the people were nice, and it was wonderful to play in a softball league that wasn’t as full of drama as HSL in Atlanta (and I enjoyed playing for that league, but the drama was a bit much). I felt it was a good place for settling down as a couple, just not for being a young and unattached adult.

      The political situation in pretty much all of the South gives me pause. Kentucky has its flaws, but at least it has a Democratic governor who’s popular and politically savvy. The latter is important because of the upcoming election. 😬