Something I’ve never been that great at is spontaneous conversation. I’m more than capable of public speaking if I’ve prepared something in advance. But if someone asks me something out of the blue, I really struggle to engage in deep conversation. Afterwards I’ll think to myself damn, why didn’t I bring up X or Y?
Half the time I don’t know what to add and I struggle to think of what to say. Sometimes words feel like they’re on the tip of my tongue and I can’t get them out, especially when I’m under pressure. And in group conversations, I find it hard to interject when I do think of a point. By the time a natural break comes along, the conversation has moved on.
I’d love to get better at this. What can I do to improve?
Try to respond to what the other person is saying, repeat their point back to them. That should give you a little time to think about what you want to add to the conversation, and will also keep the person engaged because they know you understood them. Example:
A: I don’t know what to talk about…
B: Yeah, A. Sometimes I don’t know what to talk about either. How was your weekend?
Example 2:
A: Did you hear about [current event X]? Seems like [person Y] is up to something big!
B: Yes, I heard about [X event] the other day. or No, I haven’t heard about the [X event]. (Here you can add your initial impressions, thoughts, ideas or questions on this topic, or just “seems interesting” if you want them to tell more about it.
Example 3:
A: I think that [some opinion or thought about something, which you may or may not agree with].
B: I know what you mean when you say… [repeat a one sentence summary of their thought or opinion]. (Now you can go with your review of that thought or opinion and what your thoughts are on it.)
This can help let the conversation go smoothly. The important thing is that you let the person you speak with feel heard, then you’ll be provided some space and time to add your own thoughts.