I need help. I’m completely socially isolated and inept. I have been for the majority of my life. I’m in my late 20s now and I’ve never had a friend, or any kind of relationship. I feel I’m too depressed to begin extraciting myself from this deep chasm I’ve drifted into now. I work as much as I can, never turning down a shift, but if I’m not at work I sleep or lay on the floor at home, crippled. No energy or motivation to do anything, even eat. Work is my only chance to socialise. I’m grateful my coworkers are nice to me, and they’re the only good thing in my life. I’m far more attached to them than they are to me. They’re not friends. They just put up with me.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve sold all my possessions of any value, and I’m ready to go. I’ve already attempted suicide and ended up in the psych ward before. I don’t know how to form relationships. I’m too fucked up. I want friends, but what do friends do? How do you know if someone’s your friend? I’ve been isolated for so long I don’t know how to be with others. I’m past the physical symptoms of social anxiety. I used to shake, sweat profusely, stammer, feel like my clothes were choking me, etc., but now I’m just numb all the time. My mind still goes blank when I attempt to converse though.
I’m miserable and repulsive. I know that. No one wants to be around people like me, but I can’t fix this alone. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m too ashamed. I can’t face people.
What’s your suicide plan, if you don’t mind me asking?
Carbon monoxide poisoning with sleeping pills to get to and stay asleep.
Over the counter melatonin is not sleeping pills; you are going to have a bad time.
Where do you plan to travel? Any specific interesting place?
Oh, the assumption of no pre-thought is amusing. I have a large supply of prescription only medications. I know it works, because it’s been knocking me out for the past year.
You don’t even need a sleeping aid. The monoxide will do that for you.
All places are interesting. Start off in china, vietnam, japan, singapore, wherever. This part is the one with no foundation. It doesn’t have to. Go wherever I’m allowed to on my passport. Move on before I overstay.
Instead of killing yourself, I recommend leaving behind something to prevent future kids to have what happened to you; by contributing back to society as your legacy; by enlisting into the military.
It will get you killed if you select a dangerous assignment, you travel the world on Uncle Sam’s dime, and the government will insure your death for half a million to anyone you put in your life insurance docs.