TL;DR: We had a talk because GF said she doesn’t like some behavioral stuff about me. I said tell me what it is, and maybe I can work on it. She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”. It’s a bad signal for me because it implies she wouldn’t take compromises either. I can’t see myself being with someone who can’t talk about stuff like that and take compromises.
We’ve been together for more than a year. I haven’t noticed it myself that much during that time, but we recently had a talk. She told me that she’s unsure if we really fit together long term. Topics like differing interests and behaviors of me that disturb her. I told her I didn’t know she dislikes my behavior for these specific cases, but if we talk about it, we can work on that. I’m happy to adjust some stuff like cleanliness at my home (we don’t live together, and it’s about stray newspapers, a pair of socks on the bedroom floor and the likes, for that particular case).
I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect. Sadly, I was wrong. She proposed that she doesn’t like the idea of me adjusting my own life for her sake. She also indirectly said it could be better to date someone that doesn’t need compromising to fit her “needs”. Obviously she didn’t pick those words, but that’s what I understood.
Now, I love my girlfriend and I obviously try to make it right for her. However, her not accepting that I’d change little things about my life for her sake is kind of a bad sign for me. She was so extremely against that, it makes me think she doesn’t feel like taking compromises either. In fact, it’s quite obvious now, she wouldn’t really take a trade-off. And I’m not here for that. While I’m mostly fine the way she is right now, I don’t think it’s possible to be together without compromises for any couple. I thought back into the past a bit and it’s true. She doesn’t really do much to find compromises with me, it’s basically just me who accepts her stance on whatever it’s about.
Also, who happily agrees with every quirk and decision their partner has? You’ll have disagreements, and sometimes it’s not about who’s right or wrong. You just have to talk about it and try to find a way around it. If it’s a huge disagreement and there’s no viable solution, fine. There are dealbreakers. But other than that, I’m sure you can find a compromise for most stuff. At least that’s how it works in my mind if you really like a person.
Right now, I’m trying to find out if I really understood her correctly, but if nothing changes, I don’t really see a future here. My two close friends that know about this both asked if I’m her first relationship, but I’m not. However, it from what I heard she was like that in previous relationships as well. But can’t be sure.
Has this ever happened to you? Am I the weird one? Am I unfairly only telling my side of the story?
Relationships are all about little compromises. It’s impossible to have a relationship without them so what you say she’s saying is nonsense. So, here are some wild likely wrong guesses that try to make sense of it based on what you’ve said:
Big changes, like fundamental identity changes, aren’t great for relationships, and maybe she’s had to deal with someone trying to do that kind of change in the past, so she’s come to the false conclusion that nobody should change anything about themselves in a relationship?
Another potential option is that she’s looking for excuses for the relationship to end but doesn’t want to do it herself.
She’s naive and childishly wanting someone exactly the same as she is, but she’s with you because she’s still yet to find that mythical prince that she hopes is around the corner.
She’s having cold feet about the relationship and projecting that pretty normal experience onto something in the relationship to make it your fault.
Anyway, my advice would be couples counseling if she’s willing, to help you both communicate expectations and wants.
Yeah, I don’t think we’re going to any counceling. Personally, I’m a huge fan of therapy for myself. As a human does, I do have issues and I prefer professionally treating them. Sadly, she’s not a fan, which is surprisinf regarding she chose to study pedagogy.