DUBAI — Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.
“I understand that we’re here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”
The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.
“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”
Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.
“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”
As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.
Sir, as an American, please rest assured that we are as powerless as we seem. We are screaming about climate change but when about 30% of our population wake up and drown their half dozen braincells with Bud Light then loudly deny climate change even exists at the same volume, it does almost nothing to tell our leadership to make substantive changes. If it were up to me, I’d build 200 nuclear plants all across the Eastern seaboard and make the rich pay for it. But it’s not up to me. It’s not up to Joe. It’s up to a bunch of old men who will be long dead before the effects of their shit choices take hold.