• Source: /r/AskReddit
  • Posted: Aug 16 2011
  • Author: 6point8
  • Topic: So my wife just agreed to name our unborn son Sterling Archer.

> It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That’s double the goodness of your ordinary name! > > Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. ‘Streetlamp?’ She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet. > > Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He’s wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says ‘Yes Miss?’ - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God. > > ‘Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,’ the teacher will say, ‘you sure have a unique name.’ > > ‘I’m a unique guy,’ he’ll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink. > > Fade to black. > > Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you. > > He’s earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he’s becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha. > > His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that’s unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what’s right, and does it well. > > Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn’t fight back, he doesn’t wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He’s beautiful. > > The bullies aren’t caring though - they’re just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you’re pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they’re seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he’s secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he’s a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he’s more attractive by bullying him. > > So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they’re going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity. > > Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She’s developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher’s doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. ‘Streetlamp… Le Moose?’ she says. > > He looks up from the discussion he’s having with one of the buddies that he’d made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - ‘Yes Miss,’ he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again. > > She giggles - blushing. > > They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it’s a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he’s an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy. > > Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn’t because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn’t feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she’d never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn’t want to get serious so soon. > > Streetlamp? He didn’t mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist. > > Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it’s toll on his health, but it doesn’t, he stays on top of it all. > > By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there’s a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He’s the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it’s well and truly over now. > > Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he’s handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn’t drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn’t want to damage it. > > Senior’s hanging by the staircase, she’s wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. ‘Hi Streetlamp,’ she says. > > ‘Well Hi There.’ > > ‘You want to come upstairs with me?’ > > Fade to black.

Continued in comments…

  • WintryOPMEnglish
    1•1 year ago

    Continued… Part 2

    Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.

    He’s dating the tightbody. She’s 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.

    People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren’t good people - she’s good like that. He’s studying pretty hard, and training too - it’s a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.

    He’s turned into a natural born leader.

    He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he’s there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn’t what he’s used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy ‘Forever 21’ shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.

    They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that’s her.

    Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she’s a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfucker/good guy that he is doesn’t care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she’ll like.

    He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn’t go so well - they didn’t get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn’t a fan. She’s getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what’s up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.

    Dilemma.

    Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.

    The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He’s happy for them. He’s proud.

    Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he’s been empowered and how he’s lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn’t hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.

    A lot of people are crying along with him.

    After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it’s the finest speech that he has ever heard.

    He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He’s still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.

    The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.

    ‘No, dude, relax! Have a good time,’ Streetlamp says.

    He opens the door and who’s there; Floral.

    His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, ‘H-hi,’ he manages to spit out. He’s never been tongue tied around a girl before. She’s got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she’s wearing a floral print dress.

    ‘Nice dress, I haven’t seen you in one like that since…’ His thought trailed.

    ‘Since Preschool, I know.’

    She smiled at him.

    Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.

    He’s got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he’s really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he’s being pressured into declaring for the draft. It’s a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.

    He’s sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He’s been asked by his professors to help TA’ing some of the first year classes. They’re pretty boring; he didn’t really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.

    First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He’s always wanted to pull the cliched ‘Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer’ move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.

    ‘Well, you’re a rare sight in a class like this,’ he says, turning to her.

    She turns to him, grinning. ‘Streetlamp?’

    ‘Abigail? I hardly recognised you.’

    She laughed, ‘It’s been an interesting year.’

    ‘I can tell.’

    A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.

    ‘You’re taking first year law?’ She asked.

    ‘Something like that.’

    The man took the podium, scanning the students. ‘Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,’ he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.

    That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren’t that far away from each other. Turns out that she’d gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She’d taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.

    She’d changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.

    As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they’d go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they’d gotten through.

    That year, they win the BCS.