• Source: /r/AskReddit
  • Posted: Aug 16 2011
  • Author: 6point8
  • Topic: So my wife just agreed to name our unborn son Sterling Archer.

> It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That’s double the goodness of your ordinary name! > > Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. ‘Streetlamp?’ She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet. > > Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He’s wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says ‘Yes Miss?’ - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God. > > ‘Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,’ the teacher will say, ‘you sure have a unique name.’ > > ‘I’m a unique guy,’ he’ll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink. > > Fade to black. > > Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you. > > He’s earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he’s becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha. > > His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that’s unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what’s right, and does it well. > > Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn’t fight back, he doesn’t wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He’s beautiful. > > The bullies aren’t caring though - they’re just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you’re pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they’re seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he’s secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he’s a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he’s more attractive by bullying him. > > So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they’re going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity. > > Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She’s developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher’s doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. ‘Streetlamp… Le Moose?’ she says. > > He looks up from the discussion he’s having with one of the buddies that he’d made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - ‘Yes Miss,’ he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again. > > She giggles - blushing. > > They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it’s a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he’s an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy. > > Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn’t because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn’t feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she’d never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn’t want to get serious so soon. > > Streetlamp? He didn’t mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist. > > Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it’s toll on his health, but it doesn’t, he stays on top of it all. > > By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there’s a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He’s the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it’s well and truly over now. > > Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he’s handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn’t drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn’t want to damage it. > > Senior’s hanging by the staircase, she’s wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. ‘Hi Streetlamp,’ she says. > > ‘Well Hi There.’ > > ‘You want to come upstairs with me?’ > > Fade to black.

Continued in comments…

  • WintryOPMEnglish
    1•1 year ago

    Continued, Part 4…

    2036

    He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.

    ‘I do.’

    ‘You may now kiss the bride.’

    With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.

    ‘I love you, you know.’

    She smiled ‘I know.’

    In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he’d never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.

    He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.

    She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.

    The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.

    ‘I don’t know very many of you,’ he said, 'and that’s a shame. I don’t doubt that you’re all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."

    'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd ‘we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.’

    ‘I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn’t look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn’t discriminate.’

    ‘I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.’

    ‘That day, it struck me, there’s a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don’t care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.’

    ‘It is our job now to fight for people who can’t fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.’

    ‘I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren’t your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."’

    ‘Thankyou.’

    2041

    His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. ‘Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?’ Streetlamp asked.

    The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. ‘I can’t stand the stuff,’ he said, ‘if it’s not real, it can’t be good.’

    ‘Ah, I’m a bit the same, I’ve been almost too careful since Chair came along.’

    ‘Chair? Your son right?’

    ‘Yes sir. Chair De’Burlap.’

    ‘Interesting name. Strong name.’ He said, his brow creased, nodding. ‘You think he’s going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?’

    Streetlamp laughed, ‘I’m not a legend yet sir.’

    The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, ‘Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?’

    ‘The highest paid quarterback in the league?’

    ‘The highest paid quarterback in the league.’ He shook his head. ‘What’re you going to do with all that money?’

    ‘Good Sir, I’m going to do good.’

    ‘I’m sure you will son.’

    That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.

    ‘Hey dad,’ he said.

    ‘Streetlamp! How’re you going? How’s Chair?’

    ‘We’re good dad. I signed the new contract today.’

    ‘I saw - it’s all over the news. $180 million, it’s a lot of money.’

    ‘That it is.’

    ‘Any plans for what you’re going to do with it?’

    ‘I’m opening my own charity. I’ve been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,’ he paused, ‘these women dad. They’re broken. They’re violated and they’re broken. It’s like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.’

    He paused.

    His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.

    ‘I can’t make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.’

    ‘That’s very noble.’

    ‘It’s just the right thing to do.’

    ‘You always do the right thing.’

    Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.