• Source: /r/AskReddit
  • Posted: Aug 16 2011
  • Author: 6point8
  • Topic: So my wife just agreed to name our unborn son Sterling Archer.

> It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That’s double the goodness of your ordinary name! > > Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. ‘Streetlamp?’ She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet. > > Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He’s wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says ‘Yes Miss?’ - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God. > > ‘Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,’ the teacher will say, ‘you sure have a unique name.’ > > ‘I’m a unique guy,’ he’ll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink. > > Fade to black. > > Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you. > > He’s earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he’s becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha. > > His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that’s unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what’s right, and does it well. > > Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn’t fight back, he doesn’t wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He’s beautiful. > > The bullies aren’t caring though - they’re just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you’re pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they’re seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he’s secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he’s a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he’s more attractive by bullying him. > > So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they’re going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity. > > Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She’s developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher’s doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. ‘Streetlamp… Le Moose?’ she says. > > He looks up from the discussion he’s having with one of the buddies that he’d made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - ‘Yes Miss,’ he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again. > > She giggles - blushing. > > They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it’s a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he’s an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy. > > Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn’t because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn’t feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she’d never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn’t want to get serious so soon. > > Streetlamp? He didn’t mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist. > > Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it’s toll on his health, but it doesn’t, he stays on top of it all. > > By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there’s a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He’s the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it’s well and truly over now. > > Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he’s handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn’t drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn’t want to damage it. > > Senior’s hanging by the staircase, she’s wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. ‘Hi Streetlamp,’ she says. > > ‘Well Hi There.’ > > ‘You want to come upstairs with me?’ > > Fade to black.

Continued in comments…

  • WintryOPMEnglish
    2•1 year ago

    Continued, Part 5…

    ‘Hey babe, good day?’ She’d shed the baby weight amazingly quick.

    ‘It was great, I’m just on the phone with Dad.’

    ‘Tell him I say hi.’

    ‘Will do.’

    ‘Was that Abi?’ Streetlamp’s Dad asked.

    ‘Sure was. She says hi.’

    ‘I’ll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.’

    ‘Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.’

    ‘Love you too son.’

    Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.

    ‘I saw the news,’ said Abigail.

    ‘It’s hard not to now-a-days.’

    ‘$180 million is a lot of money.’

    ‘I know.’

    ‘How much are you pledging to the charity.’

    ‘I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking…’ his sentence trailed off.

    ‘Yes?’

    ‘I was thinking I’d pledge $170 million. If you’re okay with that.’

    ‘I’m more than okay. I’m proud of you.’

    2046:

    ‘Breaking news: Jaguars’ star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.’

    Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’

    ‘I’ve never been more sure.’

    ‘But, you love football.’

    ‘I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can’t lose you. I can’t leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.’

    ‘You’re a good father.’

    ‘You’re the best mother.’

    She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.

    A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, ‘Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?’

    ‘Yes, I am Jessie.’

    He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.

    ‘And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,’ said one news reporter.

    ‘He’s spent the last week flanked by reports that he’s injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.’ Another said.

    Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.

    ‘Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.’

    A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.

    ‘Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I’m sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I’m no longer a young man. I’m not in the same athletic shape as I once was.’

    ‘I’m not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De’Burlap, who’s starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.’

    ‘My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he’s still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don’t think I’d be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn’t for him.’

    ‘I’ve been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I’m sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I’m sure the team will be more than safe with him.’

    ‘I’ve achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I’ve opened my own charity, I’ve defended the rights of women who couldn’t afford defending, I’ve raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I’ve always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I’ve always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.’

    He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, ‘In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.’ He walked off stage.

    2056: ‘Ladies and gentleman,’ Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, ‘I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.’

    ‘Today,’ he paused, ‘today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.’

    An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.

    ‘The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I’m sure it pains you too.’

    ‘I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.’

    ‘Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.’

    ‘I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.’

    With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively ‘Hello Mr. President.’

    He smiled at her, chuckling, ‘Hello, First Lady,’

    This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?