My (mid-30s M) wife (mid-30s F) took a job that has rather extreme hours. She also has another time/location commitment as the direct consequence of some of her actions. These combined have left us with, at most, 1 hour each day during which we are both awake and under the same roof.
As you might imagine, it has put quite the strain (for me at least, she doesn’t talk about it) on our quality time, conversation, interaction, romance, and amorous activities, which have become, at best: difficult, forced, unenthusiastic, and incredibly rare. She mostly spends what little time there is playing games on her phone.
I put myself in her shoes and it becomes marginally understandable: After a long and challenging day, I could see the desire to sit quietly and do an activity with/for myself rather than attend to the needs of yet another person.
But I’ve been having a really hard time. I am being stoic and supportive and appreciative of all that she is doing, but, under the surface, I am lonely and miss my wife and long for connection. Should I stay the course or find some way to broach the issue, adding yet another burden to her already laborious time?
I’d really appreciate hearing from someone who’s dealt with/is currently in a similar situation, or anyone who has encouragement or advice, or just anything I could think about while I deal.
You need to have a conversation about timelines at the very least. This is not sustainable. Does her additional commitment have an end date? Or is there a way to move to less extreme hours as she gains seniority at her job?
Having a timeline for when things will return to a more normal amount of time together will make it easier in the meantime. Also, if you can agree to a date night where you disconnect from your devices and do something together at a regular schedule may help you keep from feeling as much relationship strain.
This is a great point, but the timeline is whenever she decides to not have this job anymore, vertical movement is not an option. And the other commitment ends when someone else agrees she’s earned it, who knows when that will be.
I’ll try the date night idea, it’s just difficult with only an hour to use. I understand her desperation to have that 1 and only hour she gets each day to herself. It feels like it’s asking a lot (at least, from her) to say “I know you’ve been on duty for all but 1 hour of your day, but can you take care of me now?”
She doesn’t appear to have the same need to find time with me, so the suggestion “let’s do something together” almost feels like asking her to do a chore like washing the dishes or doing the laundry. She needs me to be strong and independent and not another thing that needs her attention, like the kids. It doesn’t feel fair, but when is life fair?