Not autist (or never looked) but… basically that is what I feel. I join people, a discord group or whatever then the second I actually let myself go Im kind of a pariah for saying something idiotic casually or behaving in a certain way.

At this point Im too traumatized, feel it needless to try really go socializing all the while loneliness is eating me up. This is just a loop that eats away at me, each day feeling like remaining alone is a foregone conclusion. Of course even if that was fixed, I have chronic pain so I wont enjoy anything.

I want to kill myself. And if I fail there is nothing anyone can do but torture for me it. Even more of an outcast, who lost his mind.