I hate myself. I want to erase myself with that poison. I want everyone who tries to abuse me and ask me for anything see no response, for I burned myself to death. I wait for some time when I would be just free, but whenever it comes, I’d just drink through it so I wouldn’t even remember it. It feels like I had no free time at all, and here comes another morning, another Monday. I want to die.

I want to isolate myself from all this noise, these requests, these fucking routines. And alcohole helps me there. But then I have problems even waking up, a racing hearth, a bloody nose, these flashes in my already tired eyes. I feel like I pushed it too far, I eat vodka instead of a proper food, and it feeds into my generally bad acceptance of food.

I feel like it’s nothing. I can race, I can growl, I can hate for whatever this diete of vodka and barely something can carry me for.

It makes me prepared to still work the job I hate. It makes me do work for people I love. It makes me not alone.

I feel embarassed by people around me, for they can smell that I’ve been drinking from me. In elevators, on the ladders and especially in the office space. Many of them are so kind to ignore it, but I know all of them know it. Even persons I don’t know personally know I’m a drunk piece of shit.

I hate myself, why I’m even there? All I can think of is hate, Hate, HATE. But if I’m unfit to my job, where I can even find a job with that bad temper.

Honestly, I just want to drink myself to death, when I wouldn’t care of all these things and my self-hatred.

  • @thesporkeffectEnglish
    2•11 months ago

    Im entirely unqualified to comment here, but you are going to have trouble escaping any addiction until you understand what hole the addiction is filling for you, a specific mental or physical pain. If it’s just that life sucks and there’s nothing to live for, you have to figure that part out first.

    You have to build the strength to be vulnerable and open with yourself. It’s a process and it’s not easy. But there’s no other path forward aside from confronting your pain.

    • andrew_bidlawOPEnglish
      2•11 months ago

      You aren’t less qualified than I’m.

      I can list many specific reasons, but I don’t really know what from all of them made me from a depressed overgrown teen into a drunkie.

      I wish I’d find this strenght. Another monday would show me if I get it.