I’m really stuck. I’ve been unhappy for years and we’ve done couple’s therapy and tried to reconnect, but it’s just not enough.
I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can’t see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don’t know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they’ve been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn’t seem like something I could possibly do… but I can’t stay here, I’m withering away.
Help?
Well, it’s already over, that much is obvious
In your situation, you have the option to give your ex partner as much money/support/time as you can afford. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re immediately parting ways, you can support each other for years to come, and heal
My divorce created one of the most valuable friendships in my life. A kind of “transcendent friendship” where we know each other so well, and have previously hurt and forgave each other. This is super valuable. Took a year or two to transition but now we are close family/friends instead of married
So my 2c is (1) yes it’s over, you know it, and you also know that you’ll be happier/free when the task is done (2) redefine your relationship in terms of mutual support and respect, but independence (3) spend as much time and money as needed to make sure that this “family member” can continue to survive and heal. Since you know each other so well, there is a real opportunity to help each other grow & be happy
But if you’re asking about the moment … you’ll know when the moment comes, you probably won’t be able to control your own body. The voice will speak. The soul knows