I’m really stuck. I’ve been unhappy for years and we’ve done couple’s therapy and tried to reconnect, but it’s just not enough.

I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can’t see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don’t know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they’ve been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.

How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn’t seem like something I could possibly do… but I can’t stay here, I’m withering away.

Help?

  • magnetosphere
    21•10 months ago

    Whatever you choose to do (my vote is to talk to a therapist solo), do it soon. I don’t mean that you should put pressure on yourself and rush things, but that I don’t want you to spend any more time feeling stuck and unhappy.

    If/when you talk to your partner about divorce, I expect they’ll promise anything in order to change your mind. Be prepared for the avalanche of bullshit, and don’t believe a word they say. Without you, they’ll actually have to be financially responsible for themselves. That is their real fear.

    Edit: don’t second guess yourself when it turns out you’re not 100% right. That’s an impossible standard. Even in the most lopsided cases, the obviously wronged party can still take a tiny amount of blame. Plus (no offense intended) it sounds like it would be pretty easy to get you to feel responsible for things that aren’t actually your fault. Don’t be afraid to be tough.