Tw: discussion of bad mental health

The burnout is real and strong and has been going on for ages. How long? I honestly I don’t know, could be six months could be year. Most likely it was mild burnout some reduction in burnout and then more burnout to greater extreme, reduction but not completely and the cycle has gone on so long I don’t remember when I wasn’t miserable, lonely, exhausted, ate healthy, productive and so I have just walked down a set of stairs into a dark pit of who knows what.

Some days are easier, words, explanations, communication and such but most days I feel like a mess and can’t get it sorted out. I started this process of trying to get better 2 years ago. Started seeking professional help and here I am. Am I better? No, maybe, I don’t know.

I feel like the first med I ever took may have left me with permanent issues. I feel like I used to go through periods where things were bad but I dug myself out and was able to keep going. Passive suicidal thoughts were only popping up occasionally. Now it seems almost daily. I don’t actually feel suicidal. It’s just intrusive thoughts they don’t even feel like they belong to me. Just like some gremlin that reminds me I’m worthless and should just end it. Then it’s gone. No desire to actually do that and I know it’s just a passing thought but it sucks almost all the joy from everything.

In this time I have gotten married and bought a house that I adore. I have loving family and spouse. Pets I adore, goals so why do I feel like this all the time. I do experience happiness but I can’t seem to hold on to it. And I am getting worse at my job and further behind.

Not sure really where I was wanting to go originally with this. I do have a mental health team who I am working with, but I feel like I am not making progress. Appointments are spread far apart.

I feel like crawling out of my skin and screaming but also like doing none of those things.

Idk thanks if you read this far. I’m not sure what I wanted other than to maybe feel like I have told someone how bad it really is. How much I want to be better and how impossible it seems.

Because now I have to go back to work and pretend I haven’t been crying that I’m not exhausted that I can get through today. I’m afraid to ask for a mental health day.