Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.
I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.
Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.
Depends. Are they nice before they’re honest? Or are they nice while also being honest?
They aren’t mutually exclusive labels, so you might just be a positive person that doesn’t pick up on nefarious clues so well and thusly aren’t going to recognize the kind of casual dishonesty being referenced here.
I think you may be assuming gaslighting is something only done by the wicked. Some “nice” people, who I think they’re referencing, will be “nice” in incredibly cruel ways. Those are the people to avoid. People who will call you “friend” and be friendly, but then not even mention or invite you to their wedding, or ghost YOU over drama in their life … all forms of people running friendships dishonestly while still putting a “nice” front on is what I think of when I hear bad nice guy. There are A LOT of them depending on what social circles you roam; people jockying for social status using kind words without kind action.
Yes, people universally like “nice” people, but not all “nice” people are good people.
While people can be polite and honest, it is clear that they are talking about someone who cares far more about one than the other.
I know, I’m just trying to describe the type of person who is nice but not good, since they said they cannot think of someone like that.