Someone recently told me that they sometimes feel gaslighted around me because I effortlessly make them question their beliefs and feelings. Hearing that didn’t sit well with me, especially since I’ve been pondering the question in the title for quite some time.
I’ve always been quite critical of myself and don’t consider myself a very nice person. When I discover that someone doesn’t enjoy being around me, I don’t blame them one bit. It’s not like I’m intentionally mean or abusive; quite the opposite, actually. I have very strong morals. However, this includes things like not lying, which means I always speak the truth, even if not everyone likes hearing it. I don’t conform to many social norms expected of me.
Despite all of this, I have deep relationships with several people and especially the elderly and for example the parents of my past girlfriends have all liked me a lot. But I can’t help but wonder why they don’t see me as I see myself. I worry that I’m hiding the true me so well that people don’t actually like me, but rather the facade I unknowingly maintain. Then again, a true psychopath probably wouldn’t be second-guessing themselves in this manner.
That says more about them than about you. An intelligent, stable adult shouldn’t be able to be so easily affected, even if they were in a room with Hannibal Lecter.
Lots of people are. That’s a good thing, as long as it’s constructive criticism. Sometimes it can go overboard and become unhealthy.
Yeah that’s not great. You should be nice.
Then I think you’re not a psychopath.
That’s great! I wish more people in the world were like this.
However, it’s also important to say things in a respectful way. That doesn’t mean beating around the bush or sugar coating anything. It just means take their feelings into account.
E.g. if someone asks you if they are good at their job, and the truth is they suck, don’t say “no, you suck” (unless they deserve it). Say “there’s room for improvement. You can get there by working on x, y, and z.” The latter is constructive and gives them a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. In a way, that is more truthful than no light at all. Everyone can improve and change and better themselves, and it’s important to remind others (and yourself) of that.
Not conforming to society is great. I wish fewer people conformed.
No one can do that but you.
That’s called being an adult. As a child, we aren’t required to regulate our emotions, or enter complicated relationships with others. Life is full of tradeoffs, and after enough of them, even if you always make the best choices, you’ll still be far from where you felt when you started. We’re all strangers in foreign lands after a while. That doesn’t make you a psychopath; it makes you human.
Sociopaths are quite often like this, blunt, moral and intelligent. They’re moral out of logic instead of empathy, and I’m not convinced it ain’t better.
That’s interesting. I’m definitely capable of feeling empathy but my morals are firmly tied to logic and reason. That’s why they’re so universal and I don’t put them aside even when it’s about a person I don’t (or shouldn’t) like. This inconsistency driver me crazy about some people. They might for example present themselves as a kind and compassionate person but then they read an article about someone they don’t like and all decency goes out the window and they start writing horrible comments about them. The inverse of that is when I remain calm and measured about something and give people the benefit of the doubt then all of a sudden I’m the bad person for not getting angry about something that I don’t even have all the facts on.