I’ve been laying in bed for 10 days after suddenly spontaneously a couple Saturdays ago I just kinda couldn’t get out of bed so I didn’t.
Which meant that I didn’t show up to work
and it snowballed into doing it every day because I thought my life was over cuz I missed a day of work “No-call No-show” which is unacceptable really bad mojo, and panicking not able to face the reality or the consequences of any of it, I blocked all phone calls coming into my phone so they probably think I’m dead and that’s what I want them to think.
The first couple days their phone calls were constant, and then they got my emergency contact to call me, I ignored all of it and opened no emails and no texts and picked up no phone calls.
I even got to the point I was worried they would send a police officer looking for me for a welfare check, so I stayed hunkered down and thankfully that never happened.
But now I’m worried, what am I going to do for money since I don’t have a job anymore, I have enough money in the bank to last me maybe 2 months if I sit here and do nothing and don’t spend any money whatsoever, just let my automatic debits come out of my bank as they always do, and I have a month supply of food here, I can stay hunkered down, but eventually I will need something, what am I going to do
I really need to figure out a plan, my plan was death, but I’m not suicidal,
but I would go to the hospital and ask for euthanasia because I’ve done that before but of course they didn’t euthanize me, they just medicated me and sent me back out into the cold cruel world
but I don’t want medication because I’ve tried them all and it doesn’t work on me,
maybe I will go back to the hospital again but I really don’t want to. their beds are so uncomfortable it gives me severe back pain, I’d rather be at home in my own bed.
But damn the hospital food was so good when I was there in January, they accommodated my special dietary needs, every day they served me veggies & salmon & whole baked sweet potato & boca burgers & string cheese, no bread and no fried food and no sugar.
so Maybe I will go back into the hospital, or maybe I’ll become a plasma donor, but I think you can only earn like $50 a week for that, which is NOT enough to survive, and I do not want to go into the part of town where those clinics are anyway, just a bunch of homeless people and I do not want to be relegated to that demographic
Thank you for listening and thank you for creating this space where I could say this, it’s the first I’ve been able to speak of it and now I’m going to copy paste this into my journal FWIW
I am sorry to see you this down.
You should call your emergency contact.
Or please go to the hospital.
If I - some random dude on the internet - care about you. You should at least try to care enough to get help. You are strong enough to make that phone call.
I believe with enough help you will get better. And I believe good days are ahead of you.
Also a tip:
Get help now, since you still have some money. It will give you more time to find a job once you get better.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this crisis. I don’t think the hospital would be the worst idea at this point. I’ve been in similar conditions but honestly I just used hard drugs or benzos to force myself to work. That isn’t advice, I’m just sharing my own struggle.
Thank you for feedback. I really should go to the hospital but somehow I don’t feel like it’s emergency situation, I’m more feel like I should deal with my responsibilities in the real world but I just simply don’t want to & I can’t and I’m going on 11 days in bed if I stay in bed again tomorrow. So that is kind of a hospital-caliber problem, right?
I am grateful for one thing, my entire life I’ve never had any desire to touch alcohol or drugs or cigarettes or anything like that. My self-medicating therapy of choice used to be aerobics classes at the gym, up to 5 hours a day. Now I’m older and my body hurts, My drug is sleep. Bed. My glorious cozy nest.
I mean, you’re not physically hurting yourself but 11 days in bed is kinda severe. One thing is for sure, that can’t continue because otherwise you’re be even more screwed. So hospital, friend, family, or social worker. Or someone else. I think you need to get some assistance to get back on your feet :]
But, that’s what works for me. I don’t want to be pushy. Maybe you can white knuckle it? I wish I could.
I’ve been laying in bed for 10 days after suddenly spontaneously a couple Saturdays ago I just kinda couldn’t get out of bed so I didn’t.
Which meant that I didn’t show up to work
and it snowballed into doing it every day because I thought my life was over cuz I missed a day of work “No-call No-show” which is unacceptable really bad mojo, and panicking not able to face the reality or the consequences of any of it, I blocked all phone calls coming into my phone so they probably think I’m dead and that’s what I want them to think.
The first couple days their phone calls were constant, and then they got my emergency contact to call me, I ignored all of it and opened no emails and no texts and picked up no phone calls.
I even got to the point I was worried they would send a police officer looking for me for a welfare check, so I stayed hunkered down and thankfully that never happened.
But now I’m worried, what am I going to do for money since I don’t have a job anymore, I have enough money in the bank to last me maybe 2 months if I sit here and do nothing and don’t spend any money whatsoever, just let my automatic debits come out of my bank as they always do, and I have a month supply of food here, I can stay hunkered down, but eventually I will need something, what am I going to do
I really need to figure out a plan, my plan was death, but I’m not suicidal,
but I would go to the hospital and ask for euthanasia because I’ve done that before but of course they didn’t euthanize me, they just medicated me and sent me back out into the cold cruel world
but I don’t want medication because I’ve tried them all and it doesn’t work on me,
maybe I will go back to the hospital again but I really don’t want to. their beds are so uncomfortable it gives me severe back pain, I’d rather be at home in my own bed.
But damn the hospital food was so good when I was there in January, they accommodated my special dietary needs, every day they served me veggies & salmon & whole baked sweet potato & boca burgers & string cheese, no bread and no fried food and no sugar.
so Maybe I will go back into the hospital, or maybe I’ll become a plasma donor, but I think you can only earn like $50 a week for that, which is NOT enough to survive, and I do not want to go into the part of town where those clinics are anyway, just a bunch of homeless people and I do not want to be relegated to that demographic
Thank you for listening and thank you for creating this space where I could say this, it’s the first I’ve been able to speak of it and now I’m going to copy paste this into my journal FWIW
I am sorry to see you this down. You should call your emergency contact. Or please go to the hospital.
If I - some random dude on the internet - care about you. You should at least try to care enough to get help. You are strong enough to make that phone call.
I believe with enough help you will get better. And I believe good days are ahead of you.
Also a tip: Get help now, since you still have some money. It will give you more time to find a job once you get better.
Also let us know how it went!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this crisis. I don’t think the hospital would be the worst idea at this point. I’ve been in similar conditions but honestly I just used hard drugs or benzos to force myself to work. That isn’t advice, I’m just sharing my own struggle.
Thank you for feedback. I really should go to the hospital but somehow I don’t feel like it’s emergency situation, I’m more feel like I should deal with my responsibilities in the real world but I just simply don’t want to & I can’t and I’m going on 11 days in bed if I stay in bed again tomorrow. So that is kind of a hospital-caliber problem, right?
I am grateful for one thing, my entire life I’ve never had any desire to touch alcohol or drugs or cigarettes or anything like that. My self-medicating therapy of choice used to be aerobics classes at the gym, up to 5 hours a day. Now I’m older and my body hurts, My drug is sleep. Bed. My glorious cozy nest.
I mean, you’re not physically hurting yourself but 11 days in bed is kinda severe. One thing is for sure, that can’t continue because otherwise you’re be even more screwed. So hospital, friend, family, or social worker. Or someone else. I think you need to get some assistance to get back on your feet :]
But, that’s what works for me. I don’t want to be pushy. Maybe you can white knuckle it? I wish I could.