So you’ve read the title, let’s get some bullet point info out of the way:
- I’m pan and mostly cis, my partner knows this.
- My partner is a bi cis woman.
- We’re monogamous but have talked a little here and there about whether we’d want to open it up one day.
- She knows I’m switchy and like butt stuff.
- She does not know I crossdress and am into chastity + light exhibitionism.
- I don’t flirt with people on here, I just post pics of myself.
- I have an anxiety disorder and one of the ways it manifests is an aversion to intimate conversations (she knows this).
- This is not the first account I’ve had/first time I’ve posted pics online/etc.
I know this may not be the best place for moral discussions but it feels like my best bet. I’ve been worried about this in the past, but we’re taking steps to broaden our sexual horizons together and I think there’s a chance we may eventually get to this topic. So if we got to the point of “I want to post pictures from a session online” and I mentioned having this account and she saw it existed for a year or so, well… I can see that being a difficult thing to react to.
At the same time, though, this has really helped me gain confidence and feel like I can actually open this side of myself up to her, which I want to do! I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
I think an important note is that I don’t consider anything I’ve done “cheating” or anywhere in that territory. I’m not out here sexting or sending private pics, I leave compliments for others and thank people for their compliments on me. But I could also completely understand someone being unhappy their partner was doing it without their knowledge.
I know one of the answers to this is, of course, “talk to her” but this is way too much to throw out all at once. Deleting it all and not telling her would be an option, but I do think it would continue to weigh on my conscience.
So my questions would be:
- Have I screwed myself (no pun intended) and the relationship by not telling her?
- If your partner did something similar (with my same hard boundaries about flirting), how would you feel?
- Any tips on how to bring this up?
UPDATE MAY 20 For anyone hopping back to this thread. I still haven’t told her properly about the account, but I have taken some huge steps.
- We now do chastity stuff and had a very good, long talk about our D/S dynamic.
- In said long talk, I did bring up the possibility of posting photos online.
- In said long talk, she mentioned that she subscribes to the GentleFemdom subreddit which I did not expect but was very turned on by.
- She has now seen me in my lacy bodysuit, and we’ve talked about putting me in lacy panties sometimes.
- She even asked whether I got the bodysuit from a male or unisex section, to which I said “I don’t think it was marketed as unisex but I don’t care, I just wanted to try it out” and got a good response.
I know it took longer than some folks in this thread advised, and obviously it’s not done yet, but I’m pleased at how things have played out. And thankful again for the advice!
First, be gentle with yourself. I think if you are marrying someone, you want them to know about all the aspects of your sexuality even if they feel neutral about some of them.
I think you will just have to straight up tell her one of your pleasures is posting pics online, first ask if she likes to do that herself, ask if she wants to see yours when you do. If you personally don’t think you’ve done anything that crosses a line please don’t borrow trouble. As long as you are ok if she enjoys the same, I think you are good. Sooner is better for this.
Oh, and I know you say that the relationship is more important than the kink, but you are a whole package. You can’t be someone else, she is getting you. You say that embracing this side of your sexuality has brought you confidence, it must be important. What you are saying (I think) is that you don’t need her to be enthusiastic and turned on by it, or directly participate, you can easily enjoy sex with her however she likes or needs, and be satisfied and happy, that makes sense. But you do need her to love you for who you are.
“be gentle with yourself” is easier said than done 😅 but really, I appreciate the response! I’m taking it a bit slower and building up to telling her. It would be a lot easier if I was just posting regular nudes, but I really don’t want to throw “hey, I’m an exhibitionist/crossdresser/etc and I’ve been posting pics of myself online” all at her at once.
Yeah I get that. It would be a tough sell for me, so I understand the risk and the fear. But you are who you are and you need what you need. And I wouldn’t consider it cheating or anything like that, myself. But I’d be mad if my guy married me without telling me he liked to cross dress, hiding it is considerably worse than the doing it, to me.
One of the things I used to think was silly about kinky people was the radical commitment to open communication. All the talking. It’s not silly, I was wrong. You need all that. Is telling her slowly really better? And you aren’t a different person, you are the same person after you tell her. Presumably this is the person you want to be closest to. You can’t go back in time and tell her, which would be ideal, but the sooner the better. There are several general possibilities, right? Maybe she is turned on by it and happy you do it, maybe she doesn’t care but if you need it and your relationship is good, she’s happy for you to do it, maybe she is actively turned off by it but gives you space for that side of your sexuality because she knows she loves the way y’all are together, maybe she cannot handle it and is pissed you didn’t tell her but I cannot imagine any possible outcome being improved by waiting longer.
There are some good books written about having difficult conversations, maybe reading one of those would help?
Best of luck to you, and also congratulations on your engagement!
Hey appreciate the honesty from a vital perspective! I do get what you’re saying on committing to open communication. I’m thoroughly for the idea, it’s just that putting it into practice is tough.
Telling her slowly may not be better but it’s about all I can handle at the moment, sadly. I fully understand I have to deal with whatever consequences come from that.
Thank you again for the kind words, recommendation, and for taking the time to reply!!