So I thought I had figured myself till now. But I was clearly wrong…
So the last few days have been incredibly confusing as I reflected on my gender identity. I’m definitely a boy, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t want to go by any pronouns except he/him. The they/she stuff simply isn’t me.
I don’t want to dress up in a feminine manner (I don’t think I would be comfortable in skirts and thigh highs and what not…). Like… I haven’t tried that yet, but I really doubt I would be much interested in it. I like my current wardrobe.
HOWEVER, I want a feminine-ish body. Like… not boobs or anything. I find boobs quite repulsive. BUT I would definitely love to have a more feminine butt/dick. I like tucking, WHILE loving my dick.
I hate body hair/facial hair. The only place that I like hair on is my head. And while my hair is long-ish, it isn’t girl-like long. Like… the intention is not to look like a girl.
I dunno, it’s weird I suppose… Here’s one way to put it. If estrogen didn’t give me boobs, I would LOVE to take it. I would love to have a higher voice, better head-hair, and a girlier butt and dick. BUT I would still identify as a male while being in male-like clothes.
What the hell am I? I’m definitely not trans. I don’t think I’m a femboy, as I would hate doing makeup/wearing skirts n stuff. I’m so confused.
Oh, and I’m gay if that’s relevant.
Yeah, but is there a name for ppl like myself? The nbs have their communities, the trans ppl have their communities. What community do I join to explore this more? This is why I am interested in seeing if there is a category in which I belong so that information about this can be formalised a little more.
This might be terminally Gen-X of me and Dan, but I’ll paraphrase what he said in Savage Love several years ago: It’s unwieldy to slice&dice gender and sexual expression into ever-smaller, narrower categories. Not every permutation needs a name and a flag. We can just be cis-men with non-stereotypical behavior or aesthetic preferences.
Yea I suppose so. But if I want non-booby growing estrogen, do I still qualify as cis? That’s the problem with me rn. I was unable to figure this out, which is where ppl here (mainly [email protected]) helped me with. I think I might be some sort of nb. I’ll definitely need to look into it a lot more to be sure ofc.
When it comes to language, I prefer to avoid prescribing strict rules in favor of descriptive analysis. Labels get all fuzzy at the margins, so the answer to your question probably tells you more about the person answering it than it does about yourself.
To be clear, I don’t see any conflict in a dude who takes non-booby-growing-estrogen identifying as a cis guy. I’d understand such a declaration to imply that the man making it has a wider view of cisgenderedness than most folks, which is also totally valid. Heck, I see my moustache as a feminine affectation even though it gets me “Sir”'d a lot. XD
Take your time! I figured myself out at age 11 back in the 90’s, but it was a few years until I was certain of it and a few more years after that before I found the nonbinary label. I still don’t have a term for myself that feels specific, but finding yourself can be a lifelong journey and I’m proud to have helped you take one of those steps. 😸
First, finding a group can be a way to discover more about yourself and I don’t want to discourage you from doing so.
That said, I don’t know because I can’t keep up the groups and also think that people tend to look to groups to ‘fill in the blanks’ about themselves instead of using the group to help feel more comfortable about themselves. Seeking out a category to belong to sounds a bit like trying to find a group that will tell you who you are instead of looking for a place where you can be more comfortable being yourself.
You can always try a larger group/community that sounds close enough and is accepting, because it is possible that there is no group that is exactly what you are looking for or if it does it can be really hard to find. Non-binary seems like it could be a great starting point because not conforming to gender stereotypes covers a lot of different possibilities. Non-binary people doesn’t mean they don’t dress and act like binary people, just that they don’t accept that everyone must be binary.
Woah I didn’t know this abt the nb community.
There was another nb person in the comments who were similar to me in this context. I would definitely be checking out the nb community.
You should!
While supporting friends that came out, I found out that I am a straight hetero dude who is not intereested in being feminine, but I also have no aversion to stereotypically feminine things. I am also not sexually attracted to men, but am also confortable saying some guy is attractive and feel flattered when a guy gives a compliment or assumes I am gay because of being comfortable in non-hetero settings.
I know these things because of either experience or having the opportunity and turning it down because it wasn’t for me.
That said, I still have a ton of preferences that reduce the number of women down to a small percentage of the population that include a combination of looks and personality. Having preferences is such a wide possibility of things that seeing sexualities based on what sounds like preferences seems oddly limiting to me. I do get that people who feel that they don’t fit in will find a benefit from a supportive comminity of similar people that help them know that they should be comfortable being themselves and they do not need to conform to other people’s expectations.
I hope you find the support you are looking for and that you discover more about yourself. You are not alone and everything in your post is perfectly normal.
Thank you so much for this! Sometimes it’s rlly good to be reminded that one is not alone. I’m so sure you must be an amazing person to have as a friend irl!