It’s not that I can’t. The problem is that when I’m with someone, I deeply yearn to be alone. I’d love to have my life for myself, with no responsibility with no one else - just me.
But then, when I’m alone, I feel like a failure, like I need a relationship to feel complete, and I fucking hate that. So I end up in another relationship, and after two years I can’t stand it anymore, and the cycle repeats.
What the hell. Has anyone suffered from something like that? How can you be alone and not feel lonely? How to kill this need to be with someone?
EDIT: Thanks for all the answers, I’m taking every single one into consideration. Please, keep them coming.
That’s your unconscious-mind playing games with your life, same as mine does with mine.
It’s essentially a variant of “addiction”, aka Kahneman1 mind ( imprint-reaction mind ) trying to make your life obey its imprint-reaction programming.
Read both Kahneman’s “Thinking Fast & Slow”, in order to understand the pseudo-reasoning that Kahneman1 mind ( he calls it System-1, but that presumes his work’s context, which normal-discussions don’t presume ), and how its mission is undermining correct-reasoning ( Kahneman2 mind ).
AND read Kegan & Lahey’s “Immunity to Change”, about our unconscious-mind’s mechanism that fights off growing-up, & how to intelligently counter its sabotaging of our lives.
It’s essentially a kind of “demagnitization” that you need to do, of your unconscious, but if you don’t systematically use real leverage, you’re not going to win.
Every time I see an image of a cute, intelligent, driven, wonderfully diffierent-from-me woman, I’m wanting to be wrapping our lives together, but…
… relationship depends on having common core-identity.
Some people have such alien/different core-identity, due to life-experience, that that potential got broken.
You can’t make an intact window out of random shards of broken glass, right?
They’re separate, and they don’t become unitary, the way molten glass does, just because you put them adjacent to each-other, right?
Some people have been too changed by experience, to be able to value what normal-identity values.
My life-mission is to remove my Soul/Continuum/CellOfGod/ChildOfAllgod/ParticleOfBrahmanFieldOfOriginalAwareness from Universe-containment/entrapment, so that no more of this reincarnation abuse/bullshit contains future-lives that it has.
Aversion-therapy was successful, in other words…
How could any woman want what I want?
That’s nonsensical.
You can’t have the savage intensity of aversion to “remaining in world, living in relationships, gently earning human meaning” that I have, & somehow be “in” relationship with woman who is wired into needing that kind of meaning…
Not only is it idiocy, it’s abuse ( it would be abuse for me to be in-relationship with anyone, given my ripping-Soul-from-endless-stream-of-Universes NEED in me, that my core is ).
So, while your reason is different from mine, we’re both fighting-against the “magnetization” of our unconscious-minds & our Kahneman1 programmed imprint-reaction/instinct minds.
understanding { the books, one’s own unconscious, experience-induced-understanding of studying one’s unconscious, as it sabotages one’s life, in order to protect its dominion over our Eternity, through hobbling our strategy/intent }
finding the deliberate & strategic means of communicating with our unconscious, using techniques given in those books
keep earning the demagnitizing of our unconscious-minds, our Kahneman1 minds, until each of us wins ( any addiction, it’s the same rules, whether addiction-to-relationship, or addiction-to-dysfunction, or addiction-to-chemical, or addiction-to-class-status, or addiction-to-money, ANY addiction is using these mechanisms, so the method for dismantling them is, strategically, the same )
endure the life-scale process ( no point in pretending that one’s unconscious-mind can be force-rewired in mere-months: it took decades for our unconscious to form, and it absorbed many-decades of culturally-accumulated inertia in the early years, it’s going to be a slog, and only enduring-persisting can work, and the life-accomplishing can be worth it, whatever it is that one is working on earning ).
and that’s it.
No “magic bullet”, no “magic pill”, just competenly-demagnitizing one’s unconscious-ignorance from one’s life, and making one’s life hold to a non-default “river” path.
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