So how did this particular romantic faux pas become so pervasive?
Let’s start with the apps, which have seismically altered the romantic landscape. Dating once relied on ineffable chemistry and natural conversation, but it’s become gamified, the unwanted love child of online shopping and the job application process. It’s as though in a capitalist, hyper-individualistic society, men are approaching dating as they would a job interview, an opportunity to prove themselves rather than to foster genuine connection. It’s long been apparent that dating and corporate culture have merged: Bumble has a professional networking off-shoot called Bumble Bizz, while other singletons have admitted using LinkedIn to find love rather than jobs. In other words, men are so busy trying to sell themselves that they forget to ask about you.
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Writer Grace Flynn, however, suspects that men’s lack of curiosity might be symptomatic of something darker. “I went on a few dates with a man of many words but few questions,” she tells me. “He was the classic Tarantino-loving, dart-smoking, tattooed type, so unfortunately I couldn’t help but match with him on Hinge.” At first, Flynn didn’t notice that he wasn’t asking her much about herself, as she was naturally volunteering information as it pertained to his (many) stories. But by the third date, she began to suspect that he wasn’t interested in getting to know her, but rather was driven by the fact that she “met his standards visually” and intently listened to him talk: the optimal canvas on which to project a fantasy. “Why would a man ask you questions if the answers jeopardise the version of you he wants you to be?” Flynn asks.
It’s a cynical theory, but one that chimes with Faulkner, who adds that such a unilateral approach will inevitably elicit problems. “If you see a relationship as one where you don’t have to collaborate and you are the centre of the universe rather than ‘we’ are the centre of our relationship, it could cause a warped view of what a romantic relationship entails,” she says.
Of course, men taking on a dominant role in conversation predates technology. We can trace all of this to patriarchal gender norms, which are, consciously or unconsciously, still being propagated. “Women and men are socialised into different communication patterns,” Faulkner says. “I don’t think there are innate differences, but we sometimes teach children in different ways. For instance, women are valued for being nice and agreeable, which often means not being assertive… Men, on the other hand, are taught to be aggressive and to take the lead.” This is particularly evident in romantic interactions, which serve as a kind of microcosm of broader gender dynamics.
If it’s true that a small percentage of men are getting the majority of the matches then there’s no incentive for them to make any effort and, if they weren’t already, they’re going to become narcissists.
You could argue that women need to cast their net wider but it seems like the dating apps and their algorithms should take a lot of the blame. It’s in their interests not to do a good job matching people or they’d go out of business, so they keep dangling more attractive matches in front of people that are just out of their reach. So the bulk of people are lonely, hoping they’ll get the right match tomorrow, and a few people get a lot more matches.
It’s just Leopards ate my face shit. “He was the classic Tarantino-loving, dart-smoking, tattooed type, so unfortunately I couldn’t help but match with him on Hinge.”
I pre selected for a stereotype, was surprised he was a stereotype.
Yes, I read that and thought “what does dart-smoking mean?”, then, after a quick Google, I thought “what do you expect?”
I once matched with a girl on one of the apps. It quickly became clear that she had an addiction to the app. One of her reasons for not going on a date was that I was using the free tier of the app, while she paid $15 bucks a month, thus showing I wasn’t truly interested in finding somebody.
I am now married and she is still using the app.
So by my math she has spent about $1500 over the last 8 years to not find love.
People are ultimately responsible for their own choices.