So how did this particular romantic faux pas become so pervasive?

Let’s start with the apps, which have seismically altered the romantic landscape. Dating once relied on ineffable chemistry and natural conversation, but it’s become gamified, the unwanted love child of online shopping and the job application process. It’s as though in a capitalist, hyper-individualistic society, men are approaching dating as they would a job interview, an opportunity to prove themselves rather than to foster genuine connection. It’s long been apparent that dating and corporate culture have merged: Bumble has a professional networking off-shoot called Bumble Bizz, while other singletons have admitted using LinkedIn to find love rather than jobs. In other words, men are so busy trying to sell themselves that they forget to ask about you.

Writer Grace Flynn, however, suspects that men’s lack of curiosity might be symptomatic of something darker. “I went on a few dates with a man of many words but few questions,” she tells me. “He was the classic Tarantino-loving, dart-smoking, tattooed type, so unfortunately I couldn’t help but match with him on Hinge.” At first, Flynn didn’t notice that he wasn’t asking her much about herself, as she was naturally volunteering information as it pertained to his (many) stories. But by the third date, she began to suspect that he wasn’t interested in getting to know her, but rather was driven by the fact that she “met his standards visually” and intently listened to him talk: the optimal canvas on which to project a fantasy. “Why would a man ask you questions if the answers jeopardise the version of you he wants you to be?” Flynn asks.

It’s a cynical theory, but one that chimes with Faulkner, who adds that such a unilateral approach will inevitably elicit problems. “If you see a relationship as one where you don’t have to collaborate and you are the centre of the universe rather than ‘we’ are the centre of our relationship, it could cause a warped view of what a romantic relationship entails,” she says.

Of course, men taking on a dominant role in conversation predates technology. We can trace all of this to patriarchal gender norms, which are, consciously or unconsciously, still being propagated. “Women and men are socialised into different communication patterns,” Faulkner says. “I don’t think there are innate differences, but we sometimes teach children in different ways. For instance, women are valued for being nice and agreeable, which often means not being assertive… Men, on the other hand, are taught to be aggressive and to take the lead.” This is particularly evident in romantic interactions, which serve as a kind of microcosm of broader gender dynamics.

  • @TubularTittyFrog
    link
    English
    -2
    edit-2
    7 months ago

    I don’t ask women questions on dating apps because they never ask me any.

    It’s that simple. Women who engage me… I am glad to chat with. I’m not going to have one-sided conversations with people who have no interest in me.

    Just like I had a woman last year match with me on an app, who went ‘hey we had a date a few years ago, i had such a good time, why didn’t you ever follow up and ask me out again?’

    and I said ‘I did, you never replied.’

    and then she blocks me. lol

    lots and lots of people on these apps are totally delusional and their entire strategy is to make up fictional victimhood in their own minds… because nobody is reading their mind and not ‘trying harder’ as they actively reject men. the ‘phenomenon’ is mostly a fiction they make up in their own minds to take any responsibility in the dating process off of themselves, and put it 100% on the man.

    the irony I find among couples I know… the woman in the relationship is almost always this straightforward open person who just tells her partner how she feels… instead of playing games and making up delusional situations in which she is the victim of her partner… being a normal well-adjusted person… which is the same type of crazy nonsense you see on ‘wife tiktok’ videos…