I had an old grazy relative in the 90s (she’s since died, praise Kaballah Monster) who refused to go to one of our cousins’ homes because they had a “thriving fig tree” in their yard, which, as you know, is an affront to Jesus, because he cursed a fig tree. So, naturally, having a fig tree that is doing well is like, insulting Christianity everywhere.

We scheduled as many events as possible at said cousin’s home.