I’m still fresh off in my transition, but the day is growing nearer that I am “visibly trans” in public. I live in a very rural town and although I dress very femme, I feel like my growing breasts are going to end up attracting a lot of attention.
I’m lucky to not have been faced with direct bigotry or transphobia but I’ve definitely been around “friends and family” who have shared hurtful and terrible viewpoints about my identity. These people are no longer in my life for obvious reasons, but that isn’t something I can control with strangers in public.
My best defense is to not let it get to me in the moment and ignore any comments I may hear. That, and the pepper spray attached to my purse. ✌🏻
If in the USA, I would remain armed.
I always struggled with masking my emotional responses at work. One person I worked with was an absolute master at playing the politician in a way that felt unbelievably genuine. I got them drunk as I possibly could and asked them how they did it. They told me when they were young, one of their parents had told them to play life like a game of cards. Never show your hand unless you have already won the game. Whatever you feel in the moment is irrelevant; bluff. You are feeling the effects of the ‘card’ the other person played. In the big picture, life’s major opportunities are usually given to the people that hold the right cards. Most players are cheating, and collecting cards is hard. Every time you show your true emotions unfiltered, you are playing out your hand at a disadvantage.
…but they were pretty drunk…
It might work in getting ahead in a career, but you’ve gotta find an outlet to express those emotions instead of suppressing them your whole life. Not doing that will lead to a lot of trouble in the future.
I have decided to not hide, even though I am well aware I pass. I will bring up my transness if it relates to the topic of conversation and contributes in some way. I have friends by my side and I do not live in a particularly bad area to being trans in. I am not afraid and pepper spray is legal here. Not hiding gives me the opportunity to filter out people given their responses, or they can just go away themselves.
I try to be as cis passing as possible most of the time. If I don’t feel like I’m passing I isolate. Still in the process of getting all of the physical effects of transitioning and it’s exhausting and physically uncomfortable to conceal certain body parts but you gotta do what ya gotta do.
Got misgendered today for the first time in a while. For some damn reason I change my voice between girl or man completely subconsciously depending on the person I meet. I think it’s a safeguard against potential transphobia or something because it’s 100% not intentional. I fuckin hate it. Subconscious cues or some shit to protect myself in my small ass rural southern town where everybody knows my family or is related to me somehow (I’m moving in September, thank God. The person who misgendered me I’d never met but knew my family). I’m sensitive AF to that kind of stuff and want to avoid it as much as possible (of course, while consuming transphobic media so that I can prepare myself for every possible thing).
I feel such an aversion to talking about being trans to anyone irl because I’m afraid they’ll potentially be transphobic or view me differently. Feels embarrassing, shameful on some level because of the culture I was raised in and the media I consumed.
I also subconsciously switch my voice around certain people. I can do a really good fem voice when I’m at home in my room, but as soon as I know others are listening it immediately becomes more masculine. I’m getting better at doing it around my family, but anytime I’m in public my masc voice comes out and it is so frustrating and dysphoric. I never understood why I did it, but subconsciously trying to hide that I’m trans makes sense, although I look very fem now so my masc voice really isn’t helping me.
(of course, while consuming transphobic media so that I can prepare myself for every possible thing)
Hun, I think this might be doing you more harm than good. Unfortunately we can’t completely avoid the hurt we’ll face in life because we’re trans. But you can avoid consuming that media, and save yourself that hurt. It’s not going to help you grow a thicker skin. If anything, it will only take away your emotional capacity for when things like today happen. I’m really sorry you got misgendered, but you sound really strong and I know you’ve got this until you move! 💪
I’ve been trying to work on it and have been doing better with it than I used to. The damage has been done, but healing is a process that takes a while. It’s definitely a form of digital self harm.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve been working on it, and you’re right, healing is a process. I used to do it a lot too so I understand. There is also unfortunately times where it can be pertinent to see what new ways to preach hate people are coming up with. Good luck, and please keep taking care of yourself <3
Oof, I feel the “everyone knows my family” part… I work the same area/career in which my dad is well known, it’s seriously the main reason I haven’t even considered starting to transition or coming out. The joking behind people’s backs would be unstoppable and I hate it, and it would probably shoot both of our careers in the foot even if he is supportive, or be outright hostile if he isnt.
If I ever get confronted by a Christian specifically, I have John 6, 37 locked and loaded.
Other than that, I want to try my best and have an actual conversation and explain things. It seems to me that many transphobes just don’t know jackshit, and fearing or hating the unknown is all too common.
I guess that’ll depend on how I’m feeling on any given day though. I know won’t always have the patience for it.
Ooo. I like that. Using their tactic of spewing random passages from THEIR religious text (as if it means something to me)
Thanks for your input ! 🩷
The entire Gospel of John is basically all about how God and Jesus love everyone, no matter who they are or what they do.
Funny how this part of the Bible never comes up when they make an argument
So far it seems that I just ignore it. The other day I was at the DMV and the lady helping me was pissed that I put female on my driver’s license application. Internally it made me sad but I tried not to express anything outwardly. Idk if that’s the best approach, but in the moment that’s what I decided to do.
I feel ya. I hate going to any government place for documents because people can do shit like that and get away with it and there’s no legal protections for trans people in my state.
Those bureaucrats weld a lot of power and can make life hell if they so choose. You probably did the wise thing and bit your tongue as long as you got what you needed to get done. You likely won’t have to deal with her again for a very long time (if ever again).
On the other hand, if there are discrimination protections in your state for trans people you could file a complaint against her.
One approach that can work, if you can be confrontational: You counter their offensive with your own!
Often their vile behaviour stems from an underlying emotional damage, so all you have to do is to remind them of that damage. Make it personal. Make it hurt.
Here are some of my best lines I have used so far, best delivered in a dry tone that cements them as a fact. Leave no room for questions, because you are stating the obvious.
Assumption is the other person is a cis-het-male. There is also the danger or further escalation, See so beware!
Also in spoilers, because Im very mean and possible trigger-content!
- I see why you are and stay single
- No wonder women wont spend time with you
- Why dont you put that in your dating-profile?
- I see why she left you
- At least Valentines Day is inexpensive for you
- You parents must be proud of you
- No wonder you sleep alone at night
- You are lonely and it shows
- At least you will never have to pay child support
- Why should women like you? You dont even like yourself
- Really? You are so weak
- Im glad she left you
- Your parents must be very proud of you
- I see why the kids stopped talking to you
- You are unlovable and its no ones fault but your own
I think this can also be used to good effect at times, even with someone who means well. These days, when someone asks me if I’ve had the surgery I straight up start asking intimate questions about their junk. The shock effect is enough to make them realise they were being a jerk asking someone they barely know about their genitals.
I’ve fantasized about having these types of one liners after a transphobic slur or comment!
The only one I could come up with in my head if someone said something generic would have been
“If you’re going to be transphobic, at least be original”
Which I admit isn’t good enough but also these are scenarios in my head where everything I say makes sense and gets the point across with 100% accuracy. 😅
Haven’t had it directed at me but a stern face/voice asking people what’s so funny about their shitty little jokes, forcing them to elaborate, usually shuts them up.
Every day the urge to actually start to transition gets stronger but I just can’t quite yet. Job/money(to leave the state I’ve been stuck in for longer than I’d like)/anxiety.
I’ve got a great stern, motherfucker-ly face for it (which I don’t like but does have its utility).
I hate to say you get tough, but it’s what I did
It depends on the type of transphobia. Actually dangerous assholes I won’t engage, but if it’s just a preacher at the subway I’ll go full unhinged demon on them.
99% of it I ignore and walk past/away from
I would agree this is probably the safest approach ❤️
Also, love the username!
