What’s a women’s community without a nod to Joyce Arthur and her wonderful piece The Only Moral Abortion is My Abortion? Truly a classic must-read for all people.
Regardless of sex or gender, or where one may fall in the debate around women’s right to healthcare, we must all remain vigilant against the moral hazard of denying others access to healthcare (or anything else!) that we have found necessary and humane for ourselves.
I just finished watching the “Shiny Happy People” documentary and have been thinking about this a lot recently. I lucked out finding a substance abuse support group with a licensed counselor that offered to see me individually for free, and am really looking forward to our next session so I can bring this up:
My parents have always believed that abortion is immoral with the exception of life-threatening cases. They first tried to teach me at what I think is an incredibly inappropriate age (I can’t remember how old I was, but I vaguely recall the first time it was brought up being before I even entered elementary school). They eventually started using my mom’s trauma of giving birth at 19 out of wedlock and giving the baby up for adoption as an example of the moral path maybe by the time I was in fifth grade. Rather than fall prey to these repeated attempts at gaslighting, I’ve spent my life advocating for women and LGBTQ+ right to healthcare, bodily autonomy, and validation. Still, my parents lack of validation has taken me decades to accept and move on from.
It just hit me that as an adult in my 30’s, I don’t need their validation. I can have a relationship with them and maintain boundaries. It took me this long to realize that in trying to change their minds, that’s all I wanted.
I’m excited to explore the idea with my counselor. I hope to someday tell my parents: “if you want me to trust you, you have to demonstrate that you’re trustworthy. Until you validate my right to bodily autonomy, I cannot fully trust you.” I’m not as concerned about changing their minds now as I am motivating people to vote, but I do wonder if the simple act of voicing my boundaries will make a difference. If not, that’s ok :) I’m glad to have found this community <3
I’m so happy you have found someone great to work with! Having a therapeutic relationship in your life that inspires you to feel excited about self-exploration and healing is truly life changing.
I also had an upbringing that completely stripped me of any innate knowledge of boundaries. My whole childhood was spent looking for other people’s boundaries, mainly for the purpose of protecting myself emotionally and sometimes physically. Your description of your parents projectile vomiting their own trauma at you under the guise of saving you from some dark and scary path is truly heartbreaking. It is the worst form of emotional/mental boundary abuse, IMO, to inflict concepts that are way outside a child’s developmental ability to comprehend. I’m really sorry that happened to you.
There’s a woman online named Terri Cole, someone sent a clip of her to me that I loved. I don’t know anything else about this woman, I just really liked this clip. She describes how many women are “raised and praised” for being self-abandoning co-dependents. Having boundaries of any kind (physical emotional mental, etc) is pretty actively discouraged. This woman goes on to talk about how the work of becoming your authentic self, and growing the ability to form boundaries, is really about coming to understand your own preferences, limits, desires, and dealbreakers.
It took my until I was solidly in my thirties to even begin to understand the importance of my own preferences. What did I even know about my own preferences? What did I know of my own desires? My limits? What were my dealbreakers?
I could see other people understanding these things about themselves…even trivial things like ordering confidently in a restaurant (instead of asking the waiter “what do you like?” haha) seemed so wildly sexy and irreverent to me! Sometimes I mimicked these “wild women” who knew what they wanted, just declaring what I wanted, but I was very aware of the fact that I was acting.
For most of my life, I simply didn’t know what it felt like to know my desires and IMPOSE them upon someone else! (yes, emotionally that is what ordering in a restaurant felt like…an imposition! It took a lot of therapy for me to figure out that that’s what I was feeling in that moment. Tapping into my constant guilt and looking for the root of it was huge for me). Making plans, saying no, breaking up…grocery shopping, so many things. So many things were tinged with guilt because I couldn’t prioritizing my desires and needs.
In any case, all of that to say…good on you for stumbling upon a boundary you want to set in a major relationship. That’s a really magical moment in a healing person’s life. And yes, you have every right (and in fact, an obligation to yourself!) to set boundaries and enforce them.
Best of luck to you. And so happy you found this community! I hope it grows and that many women find exciting, challenging, and informative discussions and content here. <3
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond! It sucks knowing how widespread our similarities here are, but definitely heartwarming to have solidarity and support through these types of forums ❤️ I’m definitely looking forward to seeing the community grow and helping give this support to more people, men and women alike! I love having a space for women, though. I know not all of us have a uterus to worry about pregnancy, but I think we can all relate to the issues surrounding healthcare.
Best of luck to you, too, makeitso:) I’m saving your comment to remind myself to check out Terri. I’m a student now majoring in psych, so the codependent labels and abandonment traumas are right up my alley to study. Sounds useful for all of us women to check out! I look forward to seeing you around, learning our boundaries and exploring our strengths:)
