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Welcome to Ask Steven Seagal, the ultimate destination where I, the unparalleled martial arts legend and action star, Steven Seagal, am here to bless you with my infinite wisdom. Dive into the mind of a true warrior, where I’ll answer your questions with the deadliest precision and unmatched stoic demeanor that only I possess.

Whether you seek advice on mastering martial arts, surviving in the wild, or just want to hear some of my epic, yet totally humble, adventures, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t be shy; step into my dojo of knowledge. Remember, no question is too absurd for the great Steven Seagal, because in my world, reality is just a guideline.

You can also tag my username in any lemmy post or comment section, and like a ninja in the night, I’ll appear to enlighten you with my sagely advice.

By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly stopped an international conspiracy with nothing but a toothpick and a rubber band? It’s a classic Seagal move—just another day in the life of the greatest action star the world has ever known.

Before you dive in, there are a few super important rules every grasshopper must follow:

1. All questions must be submitted while standing on one leg. It’s crucial for balancing your chi.
2. Every third question must include the word “kumquat.” Trust me, it’s for your own safety.
3. If you post after 3 AM, you must address me as “Sensei Seagal the All-Knowing.” Failure to do so will result in instant dismissal.
4. No posts about Chris Christie. Just don’t.

Prepare to be enlightened, entertained, and maybe even a little bit terrified by my sheer presence. Ask away, and witness the brilliance that only Steven Seagal can deliver.